Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday, 28 August 1876 (16 August) — Marriage Discussion and Rome Plans

I was describing our furniture to him and when I had finished:
— But, he said, all that is very well, but have you thought — as all young ladies must — that you are to marry...
— Yes, of course.
— Well then, have you thought about your social situation, and have you grasped its precariousness? All those people who used to come to your house — that is not what is needed, and...
In a word, he told me absolutely everything that I have told myself a hundred times. But he told it to me with care, without wounding any of my feelings; on the contrary, he smoothed the way and navigated the dangerous straits with great caution. He anticipated my wishes; I had none of the awkwardness of having to open the subject myself, and when he had finished I said quite naturally:
— But since it cannot be otherwise, there is nothing to be done.
— Quite true, there is nothing to be done. But think carefully about everything I have said.
— I have already thought about it a hundred times. But there is nothing to be done, so one can hardly torment oneself over it.
— Oh! Tormenting yourself, truly that is not worth the trouble, but...
— But why would you not come to Rome this winter?
— Now it is too late — you were in Rome, and inquiries were made. Do you think a man — unless he were quite alone, a man with serious intentions — would not ask himself or have his family ask... In short, do you think that if Paul were to marry I would not ask: who is the person, what is her family? And all the rest? Now you have spoiled Rome.
I did not grow angry; I could see that he would yield.
— Not at all. If you came with your children, who would dare look askance at you? Above all someone like you — a thoroughly proper man, with such an excellent position in society.
And it would be better for you and for me. People would have nothing for us but attentions and salutations.
— One must think about it, and then you see your mother abandoned me, and you know — "every man has his little affairs."
— That is not something one discusses and I do not enquire into it.
— In any case I remain as free as the air despite all that. One must think about it.
— There is no thinking about it. You must come with me. You can see perfectly well what I am; I am worth something. Here is what we shall do: when I go abroad, you will come with me.
— I will think about it, yes, perhaps.
I was satisfied. A silence fell, then we spoke of other things, and when he went away I called on the princess, and within a quarter of an hour she was showing me the portrait of her Italian, and I was telling her he was her sweetheart, and she laughed like Nina. At that moment my father entered, returning from the red house, and the little hunchback sat down on top of the portrait — which made us laugh like madwomen after M. Bashkirtseff had gone.
I told my father to invite Alexandre here, and he wrote him a very amiable letter. What do you think of that?
I say that I am an angel. If only God continues to be good.
Do not laugh at my piety — one need only begin and one finds everything in my journal ridiculous. If I were to start criticizing myself as a writer I should spend my whole life at it.