Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 17 February 1876

At last I have seen him!
But let us begin at the beginning. From half past eleven I went out — first with the grown-ups in the carriage, then with Lola on foot. I only wonder how others manage to walk in Rome? As for me, I was losing my balance at every moment on these impossible cobblestones, and just as I was crossing from the Via Condotti to the Corso, my hands almost spread out to avoid capsizing, I see Doria passing in a cab, looking at me with surprise — in black, on foot.
We walked about the streets of Rome in this way until three o'clock, then I came home and we busied ourselves with painting wire masks white.
I had barely put on my hat when Dina comes to fetch me, assuring me that the Invisible One is at the Pincio. Though putting no faith whatsoever in what she says — for she always lies — I leap into the carriage and we set off.
But at the Pincio there remain only the remnants of a fine promenade, and the sympathetic Doria in a large carriage, driving himself.
It is on the Corso that I finally see Antonelli — gravely leaning on someone's arm, looking straight ahead, just as Audiffret used to do. We see him twice more in exactly the same manner. He gave no sign of suspecting my presence. An excessively serious air, of the sort that only rogues of his kind affect.
He is good-looking — not excessively, but there is no one better in Rome.
Rossi spent the first half of the evening with us.
— I saw Antonelli leaving the theatre the other evening; he would be exceedingly delighted to be introduced to you. May I introduce him at the theatre?
My Antonelli has been spoiled for me! Nobody asked to make his acquaintance, and yet it looks as though we did. I feel embarrassed; I would have preferred things to go on longer. As with Audiffret — I never had such joy as on the evening when Galula came to our box at the Théâtre Français to ask permission to introduce his friend Monsieur Émile d'Audiffret.
I had desired it so much! I cannot say to what degree I desired it! Only two things have ever been so longed-for: one in the past — the Duke of Hamilton; one in the present — society.
So Antonelli is making me forget his brother Émile, I said as soon as Rossi had gone, and I began to write this letter:
— Unhappy body!
Your soul is committing abominations! Terrified by its revolutionary convulsions, we had locked it in a cage, but it gnawed through the bars and has been hopping about the cells, leading us into temptation and wreaking such havoc that we went down on our knees for twenty-four hours — but to no avail; it is impossible to calm it, and none of us dares catch it for fear of being defiled for life.
Our Reverend Father Superior has written to the pious Mademoiselle Bashkirtseff, who is currently earning her salvation in Rome, begging her to send back some holy water from the Holy Father and two links from St Peter's chains, to sprinkle and bind the rebellious essence.
Should these means prove unavailing, we shall be forced to have recourse to the law to compel your body to reclaim its soul — in the interest of our salvation, and consequently in that of public welfare, for a mental disturbance within our holy brotherhood would have the most destructive effect on society in general, and on Arthur Danis in particular.
In nomine Patris, Filli [sic] et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.
The Brother Monks of Cimiez.
If you are not pleased, O Émile, it is because you are too exacting.
Visconti called on us an hour after Rossi.

Notes

Latin: "In the name of the Father, Son [sic — Marie's spelling error for Filii], and Holy Spirit. Amen." In Latin in the original. ↩