Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 20 January 1876

Jeudi, 20 janvier 1876

Today Facciotti made me sing all my notes — I have three octaves minus two notes.1 He was astonished; as for me, I am beside myself with joy. My voice — my treasure! My dream is to go gloriously onto the stage. For me it is just as beautiful as becoming a princess.

Aujourd'hui Facciotti m'a fait chanter toutes mes notes, j'ai trois octaves moins deux notes. Il a ete emerveille, quant a moi je ne me sens pas de joie. Ma voix, mon tresor ! Mon reve c'est de me mettre glorieusement sur la scene. C'est pour moi tout aussi beau que devenir princesse.

On the stage one dominates — and I must dominate. I am beside myself with joy. I am only seventeen; I have not yet studied; at twenty, if no accident occurs, after three years of study I shall have a voice such as one does not often encounter. Facciotti says so, and he is a strict and fair man — even if Italian.

Sur la scene on domine, et il me faut dominer. Je ne me sens pas de joie. Je n'ai que dix-sept ans, je n'ai pas encore etudie, a vingt ans, si aucun accident n'arrive, apres trois ans d'etudes j'aurai une voix comme on n'en voit pas beaucoup. Facciotti le dit et c'est un bonhomme severe et juste, bien qu' italien.

I am afraid to say everything I think about my voice — a strange modesty seals my mouth. Yet I have always spoken of myself as I should speak of another, which has perhaps made people think me blind and arrogant.

Je crains de dire tout ce que je pense de ma voix, une etrange modestie me ferme la bouche. Pourtant j'ai toujours parle de moi comme je parlerais d'une autre, ce qui m'a peut-etre fait croire aveugle et arrogante.

[Written across the page: At twenty I am nearly aphonic and deaf at twenty-two.]

[En travers: A vingt ans je suis presque aphone et sourde a vingt-deux.]

We were in the studio of Monteverde,2 then in that of the Marquis d'Épinay,3 for whom we had a letter of introduction. D'Épinay makes marvellous statues — he showed me all his studies, all his preparatory work. Mme de Mouzay had spoken to him of Marie as an extraordinary and artistic being, etc. We admire everything and ask him to make my statue. It will cost twenty thousand francs — it is dear, but it is beautiful. I tell him I love myself greatly; I measure my foot against that of a statue — mine is smaller; d'Épinay exclaims that it is Cinderella.4

Nous etions dans l'atelier de Monteverde, puis dans celui du marquis d'Epinay, pour lequel nous avions une lettre. d'Epinay fait des statues merveilleuses, il m'a montre toutes ses etudes, tous ses essais, Mme de Mouzay lui a parle de Marie comme d'un etre extraordinaire et artiste etc. Nous admirons et lui demandons a faire ma statue. Cela coutera vingt mille francs, c'est cher mais c'est beau. Je lui dis que je m'aime beaucoup , je mesure mon pied sur celui d'une statue, le mien est plus petit, d'Epinay s'ecrie que c'est Cendrillon.

He dresses and coiffes his statues admirably. I am burning to have myself sculpted.

Il habille et coiffe admirablement ses statues. Je brule de me faire sculpter.

From there to the photographer Suscipi's, to tell him I shall come to pose on Monday. There I see portraits of a great many people I know by sight — looking at Lewin, his wife, and Lucie Durand, it seemed to me they were about to greet me; then Leech, Maccainne — and a ravishing woman with large dark wide-open eyes, thick eyebrows, a dimpled chin, a straight nose. She resembles la Pointue5 — Dina says it is she, but no: la Pointue has not that round chin with a dimple, la Pointue has not those magnificent eyes. If it is la Pointue, I am furious. No — it cannot be her; she is less beautiful.

De la chez le photographe Suscipi pour lui dire que lundi je viendrai poser. La je vois les portraits d'une quantite de personnes que je connais de vue, en regardant Lewin, sa femme et Lucie Durand il m'a semble qu'ils allaient me saluer; puis Leech, Maccainne, et une femme ravissante aux grands yeux fonces et bien ouverts, aux sourcils epais, au menton a fossette, au nez droit. Elle ressemble a la Pointue, Dina dit que c'est elle, mais non, la Pointue n'a pas ce menton rond et avec une fossette, la Pointue n'a pas ses magnifiques yeux. Si c'est la Pointue, je suis furieuse. Non, ce ne peut-etre elle, elle est moins belle.

Then to the Pincio, then to a milliner's6 to order a Mary Stuart cap7 and a Marie-Antoinette turban. This woman shows me a gown she is making for the Quirinal8 — the day after tomorrow there is a ball. This plunges me into unimaginable torment. If you knew how much I want to go — how I shudder at the thought of passing this carnival without a single entertainment.

Puis au Pincio, puis chez une modiste pour me commander un bonnet Marie Stuart et un turban Marie-Antoinette. Cette femme me montre une robe qu'elle fait pour le Qurinal, apres demain il y a bal. Ceci me plonge dans un tourment incroyable. Si vous saviez comme j'ai envie d'aller, comme je tremble de passer ce carnaval sans un seul amusement.

At home we find the ambassadress's card — she has returned the call, then, if rather belatedly. It is still better than nothing.

Chez nous, nous trouvons la carte de l'ambassadrice, elle a donc rendu la visite mais un peu tard. C'est tout de meme mieux que pas du tout.

Botkine and his cousin arrive at the same time as dinner. The Grand Duke of Leuchtenberg asked him who we were. "Who are those pretty Russians?" Botkine says Maman should call on the Marquise de Monterreno, whom we have so often met at Spa and at the party at Gambart's; he says it is the custom here to make such calls, especially for a foreigner calling on a local lady, a Roman. Let Maman go wherever she likes — provided I go where I wish.

Botkine et son cousin viennent en meme temps que le diner. Le grand duc de Leuchtenberg lui a demande qui nous etions. "Qui sont ces jolies russes". Botkine dit que maman devrait aller chez la marquise de Monterreno, que nous avons si souvent rencontree a Spa, et a la fete chez Gambart, il dit que c'est l'usage ici de faire ainsi des visites, surtout une etrangere a une dame d'ici, a une Romaine. Que maman aille n'importe ou, pourvu que j'aille ou je veux.

I am seventeen and I am mouldering.9 My best years pass in boredom and in the shadows! I die of it at every moment. My torment knows no bounds.

J'ai dix-sept ans et je moisis. Mes meilleures annees se passent en ennuis et a l'ombre ! J'en meurs a chaque instant. Mon tourment n'a pas de bornes.

Would you like proof of my despair? There are moments when I desire to marry Audiffret and to be someone in Nice — at Prodgers's!

Voulez-vous une preuve de mon desespoir ? Il y a des moments ou je desire epouser Audiffret et etre *quelqu'un* a Nice, chez la Prodgers !

That gives the measure of my discouragement, my despair. I have had this humiliating thought only once or twice — the day before yesterday, for example. I tell you this to prove to what depths I descend — how grieved, martyred, murdered I am by living as I live!

Cela donne la mesure de mon decouragement, de mon desespoir. Je n'eus cette humiliante pensee qu'une ou deux fois, avant-hier par exemple. Je vous dis cela pour prouver a quel point je descends, combien je suis chagrinee, martyrisee, assassinee de vivre comme je vis !

Who will give me back my lost time — my best time! I have exhausted all expressions and I am bursting with being unable to make myself understood.

Qui me rendra mon temps perdu, mon meilleur temps ! J'ai use toutes les expressions et je creve de ne pouvoir me faire comprendre.

My best years. Already one is lost — from sixteen to seventeen! God, God, God — I raise my hands to heaven and beseech You. O my God, hear me! Preserve my voice — if I lose everything, at least my voice will remain. My God, continue to be good to me; do not let me die of vexation and grief. I want so greatly to go into the world. Time passes and I do not advance — I am nailed to my place; I, who want to live, to live at a run... by railway engine; I, who burn, who boil, who grow impatient. "I have never seen such a fever for life,"10 Danis said of me.

Mes meilleures annees. Deja une est perdue ! de seize a dix-sept ! Dieu, Dieu, Dieu, je leve les mains au ciel et Te supplie. O mon Dieu, entendez-moi ! Conservez ma voix, si je perds tout, ma voix me restera. Mon Dieu, continuez a etre bon pour moi, faites que je ne meure pas de depit et de chagrin. J'ai tant envie d'aller dans le monde. Le temps passe et je n'avance pas, je suis clouee a ma place, moi qui veux vivre, vivre en courant.... en chemin de fer, moi qui brule, qui bous, qui m'impatiente. "Je n'ai jamais vu un telle fievre de la vie" a dit Danis de moi.

If you knew me, you would have some idea of my impatience, of my pain!

Si vous me connaissiez vous auriez une idee de mon impatience, de ma douleur !

Pity, my God — pity! I have only You; it is You I pray to, it is You who can console me!

Pitie, mon Dieu, pitie ! Je n'ai que Vous, c'est Vous que je prie, c'est Vous qui pouvez me consoler !

Does He not hear me? Does He not see my torment? He alone can understand it. Men will not understand me — I burn, I die and I revive at every moment. God alone sees my anxiety.

Est-ce qu'il ne m'entend pas ? Est-ce quii ne voit pas mon tourment ? Lui seul peut le comprendre. Les hommes ne me compendront pas, je brule, je meurs et je revis a chaque instant. Dieu seul voit mon anxiete.

Our neighbour is Lady Spencer-Cowper,11 who plays a great deal at Monaco — the great friend of Mme de Galve.

Nous avons pour voisine lady Spencer-Cowper, qui joue beaucoup a Monaco, la grande amie de Mme de Galve.

I have written to Collignon and to Barnola. I was eager to inform them of the good news.

J'ai ecrit a Collignon et a Barnola. J'avais hate de leur faire part de la bonne nouvelle.

My middle register12 is very weak — which is owing to the abnormal extent of my voice — but I have found a certain way of singing it that strengthens it remarkably, so that it is almost as powerful as the rest. This enchants me to the highest degree and I hasten to write of it to Ricardo, who takes such great interest in my voice.

J'ai le medium tres faible ce qui tient a l'etendue anormale de ma voix, eh bien j'ai trouve une certaine facon de le chanter qui me le renforce singulierement, de sorte qu'il est presque aussi fort que le reste. Ceci m'enchante au supreme degre et je me hate de l'ecrire a Ricardo qui s'interesse tant a ma voix.

Without this discovery it would have taken me two years of work to make my middle register serviceable.

Sans cela il m'aurait fallu deux ans de travail pour rendre le medium convenable.

I thank God and pray to Him for the other matters.

Je remercie Dieu et le prie pour les autres choses.

Notes

Three octaves minus two notes: an extraordinary vocal range; a normal professional singer commands about two octaves. Facciotti's astonishment was technically justified. ↩
Giulio Monteverde (1837–1917), Italian sculptor celebrated for his sentimental and technically accomplished marble works, including the famous Angelo of Staglieno cemetery. ↩
Prosper d'Épinay (1836–1914), French sculptor who worked chiefly in Rome; celebrated for elegant portrait busts and idealised figures. ↩
Cinderella (Cendrillon): d'Épinay's exclamation that her foot — smaller than the statue's — recalled Cinderella's famously tiny slipper. ↩
"La Pointue" — "the Pointed One": an unidentified acquaintance of Marie's, one of her many nicknames for people in her circle. ↩
Modiste: a milliner, a maker of fashionable hats and accessories; in the 1870s a key figure in the Parisian and provincial fashion trade. ↩
The Mary Stuart cap: a pointed widow's peak cap associated with Mary Queen of Scots, fashionable in costume dress and historical portraiture. ↩
The Quirinal Palace: the residence of the Italian royal family after 1871, when Rome became the capital of unified Italy. ↩
"Je moisis" — I am mouldering: the image of slowly decaying in obscurity, as bread goes mouldy; a characteristic metaphor for social invisibility. ↩
"Fever for life" (fièvre de la vie): Danis's phrase — among the most quoted characterisations of Marie by those who knew her. ↩
Lady Spencer-Cowper: an unidentified English aristocratic lady; the Spencer-Cowper family had several branches in this period. Monaco's casino had made the principality a fashionable destination for gambling. ↩
"Le médium" — the middle register: in classical singing, the passaggio zone between the chest voice and the head voice; typically the weakest part of an unusually large voice. ↩