Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 20 January 1876

Today Facciotti made me sing all my notes — I have three octaves minus two notes. He was astonished; as for me, I am beside myself with joy. My voice — my treasure! My dream is to go gloriously onto the stage. For me it is just as beautiful as becoming a princess.
On the stage one dominates — and I must dominate. I am beside myself with joy. I am only seventeen; I have not yet studied; at twenty, if no accident occurs, after three years of study I shall have a voice such as one does not often encounter. Facciotti says so, and he is a strict and fair man — even if Italian.
I am afraid to say everything I think about my voice — a strange modesty seals my mouth. Yet I have always spoken of myself as I should speak of another, which has perhaps made people think me blind and arrogant.
[Written across the page: At twenty I am nearly aphonic and deaf at twenty-two.]
We were in the studio of Monteverde, then in that of the Marquis d'Épinay, for whom we had a letter of introduction. D'Épinay makes marvellous statues — he showed me all his studies, all his preparatory work. Mme de Mouzay had spoken to him of Marie as an extraordinary and artistic being, etc. We admire everything and ask him to make my statue. It will cost twenty thousand francs — it is dear, but it is beautiful. I tell him I love myself greatly; I measure my foot against that of a statue — mine is smaller; d'Épinay exclaims that it is Cinderella.
He dresses and coiffes his statues admirably. I am burning to have myself sculpted.
From there to the photographer Suscipi's, to tell him I shall come to pose on Monday. There I see portraits of a great many people I know by sight — looking at Lewin, his wife, and Lucie Durand, it seemed to me they were about to greet me; then Leech, Maccainne — and a ravishing woman with large dark wide-open eyes, thick eyebrows, a dimpled chin, a straight nose. She resembles la Pointue — Dina says it is she, but no: la Pointue has not that round chin with a dimple, la Pointue has not those magnificent eyes. If it is la Pointue, I am furious. No — it cannot be her; she is less beautiful.
Then to the Pincio, then to a milliner's to order a Mary Stuart cap and a Marie-Antoinette turban. This woman shows me a gown she is making for the Quirinal — the day after tomorrow there is a ball. This plunges me into unimaginable torment. If you knew how much I want to go — how I shudder at the thought of passing this carnival without a single entertainment.
At home we find the ambassadress's card — she has returned the call, then, if rather belatedly. It is still better than nothing.
Botkine and his cousin arrive at the same time as dinner. The Grand Duke of Leuchtenberg asked him who we were. "Who are those pretty Russians?" Botkine says Maman should call on the Marquise de Monterreno, whom we have so often met at Spa and at the party at Gambart's; he says it is the custom here to make such calls, especially for a foreigner calling on a local lady, a Roman. Let Maman go wherever she likes — provided I go where I wish.
I am seventeen and I am mouldering. My best years pass in boredom and in the shadows! I die of it at every moment. My torment knows no bounds.
Would you like proof of my despair? There are moments when I desire to marry Audiffret and to be someone in Nice — at Prodgers's!
That gives the measure of my discouragement, my despair. I have had this humiliating thought only once or twice — the day before yesterday, for example. I tell you this to prove to what depths I descend — how grieved, martyred, murdered I am by living as I live!
Who will give me back my lost time — my best time! I have exhausted all expressions and I am bursting with being unable to make myself understood.
My best years. Already one is lost — from sixteen to seventeen! God, God, God — I raise my hands to heaven and beseech You. O my God, hear me! Preserve my voice — if I lose everything, at least my voice will remain. My God, continue to be good to me; do not let me die of vexation and grief. I want so greatly to go into the world. Time passes and I do not advance — I am nailed to my place; I, who want to live, to live at a run... by railway engine; I, who burn, who boil, who grow impatient. "I have never seen such a fever for life," Danis said of me.
If you knew me, you would have some idea of my impatience, of my pain!
Pity, my God — pity! I have only You; it is You I pray to, it is You who can console me!
Does He not hear me? Does He not see my torment? He alone can understand it. Men will not understand me — I burn, I die and I revive at every moment. God alone sees my anxiety.
Our neighbour is Lady Spencer-Cowper, who plays a great deal at Monaco — the great friend of Mme de Galve.
I have written to Collignon and to Barnola. I was eager to inform them of the good news.
My middle register is very weak — which is owing to the abnormal extent of my voice — but I have found a certain way of singing it that strengthens it remarkably, so that it is almost as powerful as the rest. This enchants me to the highest degree and I hasten to write of it to Ricardo, who takes such great interest in my voice.
Without this discovery it would have taken me two years of work to make my middle register serviceable.
I thank God and pray to Him for the other matters.

Notes

Three octaves minus two notes: an extraordinary vocal range; a normal professional singer commands about two octaves. Facciotti's astonishment was technically justified. ↩
Giulio Monteverde (1837–1917), Italian sculptor celebrated for his sentimental and technically accomplished marble works, including the famous Angelo of Staglieno cemetery. ↩
Prosper d'Épinay (1836–1914), French sculptor who worked chiefly in Rome; celebrated for elegant portrait busts and idealised figures. ↩
Cinderella (Cendrillon): d'Épinay's exclamation that her foot — smaller than the statue's — recalled Cinderella's famously tiny slipper. ↩
"La Pointue" — "the Pointed One": an unidentified acquaintance of Marie's, one of her many nicknames for people in her circle. ↩
Modiste: a milliner, a maker of fashionable hats and accessories; in the 1870s a key figure in the Parisian and provincial fashion trade. ↩
The Mary Stuart cap: a pointed widow's peak cap associated with Mary Queen of Scots, fashionable in costume dress and historical portraiture. ↩
The Quirinal Palace: the residence of the Italian royal family after 1871, when Rome became the capital of unified Italy. ↩
"Je moisis" — I am mouldering: the image of slowly decaying in obscurity, as bread goes mouldy; a characteristic metaphor for social invisibility. ↩
"Fever for life" (fièvre de la vie): Danis's phrase — among the most quoted characterisations of Marie by those who knew her. ↩
Lady Spencer-Cowper: an unidentified English aristocratic lady; the Spencer-Cowper family had several branches in this period. Monaco's casino had made the principality a fashionable destination for gambling. ↩
"Le médium" — the middle register: in classical singing, the passaggio zone between the chest voice and the head voice; typically the weakest part of an unusually large voice. ↩