Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Friday, 24 December 1875

[Six lines crossed out]

[Six lignes cancellees]

Bihovetz was with us yesterday; by various things in his conversation he awoke in me such regret at leaving, such love for Nice, that I became utterly unhappy — and went home to sing, with such conviction, such warmth, and such profound sadness that I weep still over it — that eternal melody and those ravishing words: "Ohimè! potessi io ritornare a quelle amate sponde, anche per un dì amar e morir."1

Bihovetz a ete hier chez nous, par diverses choses dans sa conversation il a eveille en moi tant de regret de partir, tant d'amour pour Nice que je devins toute malheureuse, et m'en allai chanter chez moi, avec une telle conviction, avec une telle chaleur et avec tant de profonde tristessse que j'en pleure encore, cet air eternel et des ravissantes paroles: "Ohime ! potessi io ritornare a quelle amate sponde, anche per undijamor e morir."

How I pity those who are not like me — they do not understand what beauty, sadness, and truth there is in this piece so common and so sung in every salon.

Comme je plains ceux qui ne sont pas comme moi, ils ne comprennent pas ce qu'il y a de beaute, de tristesse, de verite dans ce morceau si commun et si chante dans tous les salons.

Yes — "là solo restare"2 — there alone, that is to say here, in Nice, in my beloved city.

Oui, "La solo restare" la seulement, c'est-a-dire ici, a Nice, dans ma ville cherie.

One may travel the whole world and find sublime landscapes, arresting mountains, frightening ravines, wild and extraordinary beauties, picturesque cities, pretty cities, great cities — but on returning to Nice one says: there it was beautiful, there it was magnificent — but here it is pleasant, it is charming, it is gracious, it is sympathetic; here one wants to stay; here one is alone and surrounded, hidden and in view, as one wishes. Nowhere else does one breathe as freely, as joyfully. Nowhere else has one this extraordinary mixture of the real and the false, the simple and the refined. In short — how shall I say it? Nice is my city. I am leaving — but I shall return;

Qu'on aille par le monde entier, on trouvera des paysages sublimes, des montagnes saisissantes, des gouffres effrayants, des beautes sauvages, abracadabrantes, des villes pittoresques, des villes gentilles, de grandes villes, mais en retournant a Nice on se dira: la c'etait beau, la c'etait magnifique, mais ici c'est bien, c'est gentil, c'est gracieux, c'est sympathique, ici on a envie de rester, ici on est seul et entoure, cache et en vue, comme on veut. Nulle part autre, on ne respire aussi librement, aussi joyeusement. Nulle part autre on n'a ce melange extraordinaire du vrai et du faux, du simple et du recherche. Enfin, comment dirai-je ? Nice, c'est ma ville. Je pars, mais je reviendrai;

"Depart — but regret; regret has its charms" — as one of those kind simpletons called poets has said.3

"Partez, mais regrettez, Le regret a ses charmes" comme a dit un de ces gentils nigauds qu'on nomme poetes.

I walked a great deal today — in the morning with Collignon and in the afternoon. In the afternoon on the pavement.

J'ai marche beaucoup aujourd'hui, le matin avec Collignon et l'apres-midi. L'apres-midi sur le troittoir.

"Let us cross now," says Collignon.

- Traversons a present, dit Collignon.

And scarcely had we crossed when the Surprising One and Belle-de-Jour greeted me from the other side. How stupid — if we had not crossed, those two creatures might perhaps have joined us and I should have had a very pleasant walk.

Et a peine avions-nous traverse que le Surprenant et Belle-de-Jour me saluerent de l'autre cote. C'etait bete, si nous n'avions pas change, ces deux animaux se seraient peut-etre joints a nous et j'aurais eu une promenade fort agreable.

Tomorrow is Christmas,4 and Collignon and I together devise a piece of foolery. We buy a pair of enormous slippers, a jumping-jack, a jockey, reindeer to drive (for children), and two little sheep; we put all this in the slippers, make a parcel, and under the string place a letter reading thus:

C'est demain la Noel et j'invente avec Collignon, ensemble, une betise. Nous achetons une paire de pantoufles immenses, un pantin, un jockey, des rennes pour conduire, et (pour enfants) et deux petits moutons, nous mettons cela dans les pantoufles, faisons un paquet, et sous la ficelle placons une lettre ainsi concue:

Little Father Christmas has found little Émile very well-behaved, and hopes this will continue.

Petit Noel a trouve petit Emile bien sage, espere que continuera.

The toys are for little Mimile;5 the slippers are for little Papa. 1875.

Les joujoux sont pour petit Mimile, les pantoufles sont pour petit Papa. 1875.

And on the envelope — one can guess what.

et sur l'enveloppe on devine quoi.

But we do not send this to the Tower. Dina disguises herself as a boy, and with her blue spectacles and pale complexion she looks like a mathematics professor; Collignon and I make ourselves equally unrecognisable — and at eight o'clock in the evening we go on foot to the carriage rank, take one, and go to the Cercle de la Méditerranée; we give the parcel to the coachman: "Give that to the Cercle's concierge, from M. Tavernier."

Mais nous n'envoyons pas cela a la Tour. Dina se deguise en garcon, et avec ses lunettes bleues et son teint pale elle a l'air d'un professeur de mathematiques, Collignon et moi nous rendons aussi meconnaissables, et le soir a huit heures nous allons a pied jusqu'aux voitures, en prenons une et allons au Cercle de la Mediterranee, on donne le paquet au cocher: "Donnez cela au concierge du cercle, de la part de M. Tavernier".

We laugh over it as in the good old days.

Nous en rions comme dans le bon temps.

What amuses me most is seeing a serious woman6 do foolish things with me. This morning we had a visit from Soeur Thérèse,7 and she left us two visiting cards: The Sisters of the Good Shepherd.

Ce qui m'amuse le plus c'est de voir une femme serieuse faire des betises avec moi. Ce matin nous avons eu la visite de la soeur Therese et elle nous laissa deux cartes de visite: les religieuses du Bon Pasteur.

I take one, add at the bottom P.P.C.8 — and with an address written by Walitsky, send it to the Tower.

J'en prends une, ajoute dans le bas P.P.C. et avec une adresse ecrite par Walitsky l'envoie a la Tour.

Wretched Émile! You do not deserve so much kindness, upon my word!

Fichu Emile ! Tu ne merites pas tant de gentillesse, va !

My mothers are at Monaco — and at midnight I place myself before two mirrors set so as to form a long corridor, and having made the sign of the cross, eyes fixed on a single point, I await some apparition.9

Les mamans sont a Monaco et, a minuit, je me mets devant deux glaces placees de facon a former un long corridor, et ayant fait le signe de croix, les yeux fixes sur un seul point attends une apparition quelconque.

I remained an hour and a half and saw nothing. It is more than tedious.

Je suis restee une heure et demie et je n'ai rien vu. C'est plus qu'ennuyeux.

At New Year I shall try again. I must see something. They say that the man one sees is one's future husband.

Au nouvel an je recommencerai. Il faut que je vois quelque chose. On dit que l'homme qu'on voit est le mari futur.

Notes

=="Ohimè! potessi io ritornare a quelle amate sponde, anche per un dì amar e morir"== (Italian): "Alas! Could I return to those beloved shores, were it but for one day to love and to die" — an operatic aria, possibly related to the cavatina from Donizetti or a popular salon air; Marie applies it to her longing for Nice. In Italian in the original; the manuscript has "undijamor" as a garbled transcription. ↩
=="Là solo restare"== (Italian): "there alone to stay" — from the same aria; Marie applies the phrase to Nice. In Italian in the original. ↩
"Regret has its charms" (Le regret a ses charmes): an unidentified verse quotation; Marie cites it with affectionate condescension towards poets. ↩
Christmas (la Noël): December 25 in the Western calendar; Marie prepares a Christmas prank for Audiffret. ↩
Mimile: a childish diminutive of Émile (Audiffret's first name) per LAN — the prank casts Audiffret as both a naughty child and, via "petit Papa," a grown man being mocked. ↩
A serious woman: Collignon, who is apparently older and more decorous than Marie. ↩
Soeur Thérèse: a nun of the Sisters of the Good Shepherd (les religieuses du Bon Pasteur), a congregation engaged in charitable work. ↩
P.P.C. (Pour Prendre Congé): a formal visiting-card notation meaning "To Take Leave" — used when departing from a city to inform one's acquaintances; here applied with wicked irony to a nun's card sent to Audiffret. ↩
Mirror divination: a traditional Russian and European folk ritual performed at Christmas and New Year — standing between two mirrors at midnight, one looks for the apparition of one's future husband in the reflected corridor. See also the New Year repetition announced below. ↩