Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 23 December 1875

I must write very little — time presses.
I went out this morning with Collignon; then Barnola and Varpahovsky came.
Then I went to the concert — we only passed by. Audiffret was near the Bueno carriage, but soon we saw him running like a madman, making prodigious leaps on his cane, to catch up with Manara and another who were walking ahead.
This running spectacle amused all the ladies.
"He behaves as though he were in his country estate," says Maman.
"But is Nice not his country estate?" I say.
This evening Les Brigands with a new actress, Mlle Aimée. I go with my Graces, in our old stage box.
No one of acquaintance — except Tournon, who comes from the Opera for twenty minutes and looks at me a great deal through his glass.
I am morose, sad, discouraged. My departure is an exile to me. I want Nice — and it is impossible. One always persists after the impossible; the most wretched thing, by resisting, acquires value. To crown my joys, Maman — returning from Monaco — says I have grown pale. I reply that it is entirely natural. And then a charming little scene begins. Instead of pitying me, trying to calm me, helping me — I am subjected to the most absurd and irritating reproaches.
I am told I do not know how to converse; things I said three months ago are recalled and commented upon.
In short, a delightful scene is made; and by a thousand devices in which Maman and my aunt have a particular speciality — for which they ought to be patented With Government Guarantee — they reduce me to an inexpressible state of rage, irritation, and despair!
You understand — I am miserable enough without this, and I am reproached, subjected to scenes, aggravated! I am reproached for my face — and nothing is done to make my life bearable! Nice is beautiful — there is only Nice; I leave it with enormous regrets; I weep for it! I shall return!
Oh! my God — turn towards me, and help me, have pity on me. I have only You — and You repulse me!

Notes

Les Brigands: comic operetta by Jacques Offenbach (1869), based on brigand-opera parody; a popular and frequently revived work. ↩
To crown my joys (pour comble de joie): an ironic formula — "to cap everything" or "to make things worse." ↩
Patented With Government Guarantee (brevetées Avec Garantie Du Gouvernement): a sarcastic formula modelled on commercial patent certificates of the period — implying their skill in tormenting her is officially certified. ↩
"Reproached for my face" (on me reproche ma figure): Marie is reproached for her appearance — presumably for being pale or looking ill, which is attributed to emotional self-indulgence. ↩