Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 21 December 1875

What a dream! I saw Audiffret — as in the other dream in summer — our cheeks touching; then I saw my bare foot on the Surprising One's knee. It is a bad sign.

Quel reve ! J'ai vu Audiffret, comme l'autre reve en ete, nos joues se touchaient puis j'ai vu mon pied nu sur le genou du Surprenant. C'est mauvais signe.

I was in town for a thousand things, for my rooms; after which I was with Maman and, instead of weeping, I laughed — begging to be taken to the Cercle, pressing my face against the wall, groaning, then turning round and bursting out laughing. Face to the wall and stamping one's foot on the floor — that is the Surprising One's manner; that is why it pleases me and why I do it.

J'etais en ville pour mille choses, pour mes chambres, apres quoi j'etais chez maman et, au lieu de pleurer, j'ai ri, je priais de me mener au Cercle, je me mettais la figure contre le mur, je gemissais et puis me retournais en eclatant de rire. La face contre le mur, et frapper du pied sur le plancher, c'est la facon du Surprenant, c'est pour cela que ca me plait et que je le fais.

I am almost pretty — and on the Promenade we see Audiffret. I felt ill at ease on seeing him; that business of yesterday was stupid.

Je suis presque jolie et a la Promenade nous voyons Audiffret. Je me suis sentie mal a l'aise en le voyant, cette chose d'hier a ete stupide.

In the evening — a great gathering, a great conversation. It is decided to go to Rome, and then, if in Rome there is nothing, to my father's — for it must be settled. I insist, I demand it, I can bear no more.

Enfin le soir grande assemblee, grande conversation. On decide d'aller a Rome, et puis si a Rome il n'y aura *rien,* chez mon pere, car il faut en finir. Je l'exige, je le veux, je n'en peux plus.

It goes without saying that I wait and above all desire that invitation — and it goes without saying also that I do not receive it. At ten o'clock I leave our gathering. One had talked enough of everything and of Audiffret in particular; his conduct had been analysed from the beginning — and my aunt said it would have been right to refuse his acquaintance from the start.

Il va sans dire que j'attends et surtout desire cette invitation, et il va sans dire aussi que je la recois pas. A dix heures je laisse notre assemblee, on avait assez parle de tout et d'Audiffret en particulier, on a analyse sa conduite depuis le commencement et ma tante a dit qu'il fallait refuser alors de le connaitre.

"And now," cried Dina, "Marie would want to know him and we could no longer do so!"

- Et a present, s'ecria Dina, Marie voudrait le connaitre et on ne le pourrait plus !

"Ah ha!" said my aunt. "A hundred times more easily — and how interested he would be, and how he would run, and how, without being asked, he would bring every invitation in the world."

- Ah ! ha ! fit ma tante, cent fois plus facilement encore, et comme il s'interesserait, et comme il courrait, et comme, sans qu'on le lui demande, il apporterait toutes les invitations de la terre.

And how right I think my aunt is. But what has been done is done. Could one have foreseen it?

Et comme je suis de l'avis de ma tante. Mais ce qui est est fait est. Pouvait-on prevoir ?

But is it not a duty to send an invitation to this club — he who is a member, who knows us!

Mais n'est-ce pas un devoir d'envoyer une invitation de ce cercle, lui qui en est, qui nous connait !

Ah! my God — let us leave all that; I cannot write tonight; I understand nothing.

Ah ! mon Dieu, laissons tout cela, je ne peux pas ecrire ce soir, je ne comprends rien.