Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Friday, 20 August 1875

# Vendredi 20 aout 1875

At eight o'clock I go with Machenka to Schwalbach; we leave her dress to be made and return at noon. I had a detestable carriage but have just hired one that is altogether pretty and elegant. It rains and we cannot go out, but Diadia arrives from Wiesbaden, and this witty, comme il faut1 man makes several hours pass very agreeably. He wants to take us to Wiesbaden but the rain prevents it.

A huit heures je vais avec Machenka a Schwalbach, nous donnons sa robe a faire et retournons a douze heures. J'avais une detestable voiture mais je viens d'en louer une tout a fait jolie et elegante. Il pleut et nous ne pouvons nous promener, mais Diadia arrive de Wiesbaden et cet homme spirituel et comme il faut nous fait passer plusieurs heures tres agreablement. Il veut nous emmener a Wiesbaden mais la pluie empeche.

The prince and his wife make a strange household: after five years of marriage he detests her — the poor little thing is very ill and disgusting with her shows of affection.

Le prince et sa femme font un curieux menage, il la deteste apres cinq ans de mariage, la pauvre petite est tres malade et degoutante avec ses tendresses.

Another letter from my aunt: "Tell Marie that Girofla has sold an estate and bought four magnificent black horses for the season — he is going to cut a fine figure."

Encore une lettre de ma tante: "Dites a Marie que Girofla a vendu une terre et a achete quatre chevaux noirs magnifiques pour la saison, il va faire le beau".

It is strange that this news upsets me. It makes me think of the horses we must buy, of the setting up of my house in Florence, of all those things that torment me.

C'est drole cette nouvelle me bouleverse. Elle me fait penser aux chevaux que nous devons acheter, a l'organisation de ma maison a Florence, a toutes ces choses qui me tourmentent.

I had cooled towards the handsome fellow from Nice, but imagining him in a magnificent equipage with those horses, he interests me again.

J'etais refroidie pour le beau Nicois mais l'imaginant en magnifique equipage avec ces chevaux, il m'interesse de nouveau.

The more elegant he is, the more I shall want him. Vain girl — surroundings count for a great deal with me.

Plus il sera elegant plus je le voudrai. Vaine fille, l'entourage est beaucoup pour moi.

If he were to go on foot without any chic, I should not even know he existed. But he has a superb château, he cultivates eccentricity, he has horses — and I am ready to chase after him again.

S'il allait a pied sans *chic* aucun, je ne saurais pas seulement qu'il existe. Mais il a un superbe chateau, il fait de l'excentricite, il a des chevaux et je suis prete a courir apres lui de nouveau.

I desire his arrival now — not as a man, but as a person who has fine horses.

Je desire son arrivee a present, pas comme homme mais comme une personne qui a de beaux chevaux.

But he will not come, the brute!

Mais il ne viendra pas, l'animal !

I greatly desire to please him — I am furious at not being loved by him.

Je desire beaucoup lui plaire, je rage de n'en etre pas aimee.

Ah! if only I had him like the Pole had me! But no — it is not given to me to have what I desire. I spend my life desiring, never having what I desire. I cannot say how enchanted I would be if it came about! But this monster from Nice does not think of me — he is like me: he wants what I want; he treats women as I want to treat men.

Ah ! si *je* l'avais comme le Polonais ! Mais non, il ne m'est pas donne d'avoir ce que je desire. Je passe ma vie a desirer, a ne pas avoir ce que je desire. Je ne puis dire combien je serais enchantee si cela se faisait ! Mais ce monstre Nicois ne pense pas a moi, il est comme moi, il veut ce que je veux, il traite les femmes comme je veux traiter les hommes.

The scythe has met the stone.1 Never could this proverb have been more aptly applied.

*La faux a rencontre la pierre.* Jamais ce proverbe ne pouvait etre si bien applique.

I continue to take these beauty baths1 and am becoming yet whiter, if that is possible.

Je continue a prendre ces bains de beaute et deviens encore plus blanche si c'est possible.

Notes

Comme il faut: proper, correct, befitting one's station — the standard of social propriety. ↩
French proverb: La faux a rencontré la pierre — the scythe has met the stone, i.e., two equally stubborn or resistant forces have encountered each other. ↩
Schlangenbad's mineral baths were celebrated for their softening effect on the skin. ↩