Saturday, 27 February 1875
# Samedi, 27 février 1875
I wanted to go to San Remo, but my aunt, who came home yesterday evening, has asked me ten times since this morning whether I am going — since from morning I had said yes — and this has annoyed me, and I am not going.
Je voulais aller à San Remo mais la tante... m'a demandé dix fois depuis ce matin si j'y vais... cela m'a impatientée et je ne vais pas.
The sky clears and I go out; truly, instead of spring we are having autumn, which I love. All that is missing is Blackprince^[In English in the original.] and his dogs.
...dans quelque temps je prends Nadinka, mais en passant le Cercle j'aperçus le coupé de Terffidua.
In a little while I take Nadinka, but as we passed the Cercle I spotted Terffidua's coupé.
...(Robe bleue et jaquette, chapeau gris bien)... sous la galerie était une foule de gens entre autre Manara le faquin italien et Terffidua... Nadinka très scandalisée de nous voir tant regardées par cette canaille...
— Nadinka, do you want something to eat?
...prise d'un souvenir du duc qui me fait adosser à la grande glace et fermer les yeux. De retour du pavillon au lieu de passer ma robe de chambre pour écrire et prendre le thé, comme j'en ai l'habitude, je m'assis sur le lit sans même ôter la mantille grise... et pleurai mais doucement et béatement.
— Yes.
[Annotation: décembre 13,1872, juillet 1872 - Les yeux fermés parce qu'alors je le vois mieux...]
— Let's go in here. — Very well. (Blue dress and jacket, grey hat, good.) Under the arcade was a crowd of people including Manara the Italian cad and Terffidua — Nadinka very scandalized at being so stared at by that rabble, not by Manara in particular but by all the rabble in general. While we were eating, Manara came to knock at the window to call the shop girl — a rather fanciful way of calling, since right beside the window was the door — but no one coming at this summons, he came to the door with Terffidua and another. Wretched Italian — you will pay for those impertinent airs of yours! The rain starts again furiously and we go to the Tour Magnan, a sort of villa where they said there was a children's nurse, and Nadinka is looking for one.
...Forte et orgueilleuse mais faible et humiliée aussi. Moi aimer la première...
Then with Alexandre and Julie to Manby, Platon, and so on. A few minutes before dinner I am seized by a memory of the Duke which makes me lean my back against the large mirror and close my eyes. Returning from the pavilion, instead of putting on my dressing gown to write and have tea as is my habit, I sat on the bed without even removing the grey mantilla I wear when crossing the courtyard, and wept — but gently and blissfully.
...Mais qu'est-ce que l'amour ?... [philosophical meditation]... Preuve qu'il y a des choses au-dessus de l'intelligence humaine... c'est qu'Adam et Eve furent chassés du Paradis pour avoir voulu trop savoir.
[Annotation: 13 December 1872, July 1872 — Eyes closed because I see him better that way. So then it is true — it is not imagination, I did not invent it, fabricate it. The more time passes, the more I am convinced of this. It is strange, though — strange because it is the first time. This thing exists, this or something else, since I feel something new, something sweet and sad, then by turns furious, painful, impossible to explain. I am like this when I think of the man — not of any other person — therefore it is he.
I am strong and proud because I carry my love within me, hidden from all — but it is truly mine, and I keep it.
Strong and proud, but also weak and humiliated. I — to love first, I — to desire a man, I — to confess to such a degradation!
Can I have seen and loved him never to see him again, and for him never to know anything of it? Can I have spent three years thinking of him night and day for nothing?
Will he never know, will he never love me some day? Can I have debased myself for nothing?
Has God given me this beautiful body, this pretty face, this white skin, rosy and fresh cheeks, these vermilion lips and this golden hair for me to lose myself thus in obscurity? Oh, no, no — most certainly not. God does nothing for nothing! And what if He had made me so in order to punish me by tormenting me?
What if He allows me to believe in my own worth so that I may be wretched?
For I have well deserved a punishment — I was and am headstrong, haughty; I have treated my grandfather, my mother, my aunt as equals, and all the rest as inferiors. I am vain and greedy for pomp and glory!
But I am not wicked, my God — I do not ill-use the servants or the poor. I give when I can.
I swear — and besides I have no need to swear, God knows well that I speak the truth — I swear that I have never deliberately done harm, that I have never wished to humiliate anyone, that I have never made either a governess or a dependent feel their inferiority, which would be so cruel; that I have never beaten the dogs — oh, I am lying, lying — furious, I more than once came and vented my rage on poor Prater; but on the other hand I never ill-treat stray dogs — on the contrary. What more can I say in my defense?
My God, at moments I am carried away, but I am not wicked. I have several times reproached Dina and others for their ignorance, but only when they exasperated me by trying to prove things they did not know. I most humbly beg Your forgiveness, oh my God, for all my voluntary and involuntary faults — forgive me therefore, Almighty God, be merciful.
Will You punish me then, Lord, and make me suffer? For I have the satisfaction of being able to say that I suffer, and... from love. But no — there has never been an instance of someone loving without the person loved knowing it sooner or later; and yet if he will never think of me, shall I have the courage to say it — oh, no, no!
But what is love? Ah, there it is. Everyone speaks of it, no one knows. A strange name has been given to this sensation, just as the name fluid was given to the undeniable but incomprehensible force of electricity — electricity of which a science has been made without even knowing what it is, which is explained by aphorisms, suppositions, inventions. To explain a thing one does not understand — one must be very learned to commit such an absurdity.
But all these learned men, all these philosophers — do they not at every moment utter such sublime absurdities, and are they not idiots by dint of knowledge and wit?
When I read passages from those ancient sages, those celebrated philosophers, I find a quarter truth and good sense and three quarters nonsense and vain babblings. How many have explained love — some grossly and materially, others foolishly — and it is natural enough; how can one pretend to explain what one does not understand? It exists unquestionably, like ball lightning, but — what is it? That is where one must stop: accept the existence and renounce the attempt to explain the inexplicable.
Proof that there are things above human intelligence, and on a level with God's alone, is that Adam and Eve were cast out of Paradise for having wished to know too much.]