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Sunday, 2 November 1873

We arrive halfway through the mass -- myself, Dina, and Paul (blue dress, very good) -- how ugly and badly dressed the Skariatines are! There are already a great many Russians; the carpet is laid and the choir is here.

Nous arrivons a la moitie de la messe; moi, Dina et Paul (robe bleue, tres bien) que les Skariatine sont laides et mal mises ! Il y a deja beaucoup de Russes, le tapis est mis et il y a le choeur.

It is raining. I still cannot get used to Hitchcock. It is so tiresome having a beast to home.

^[In English in the original.]

Il pleut. Je ne puis m'habituer encore a Hitchcock. C'est si ennuyeux d'avoir a beast to home.

She goes to the English church. We go out, myself, Bete, and Paul; we go to the London House and have a madman's lunch. Just imagine -- in the confectionery of the London House, three small round tables of different heights pushed together, on which one sees served all at once: chocolate, smoked salmon, ices, cakes, sandwiches, strawberries, foie gras, and grapes, without cutlery -- because we ordered haphazardly, one thing after another. If a Frenchman saw us mixing grapes with chocolate and ices with ham, he would die of indigestion merely from watching us.

Elle va a l'eglise anglaise. Nous sortons, moi, Bete et Paul; nous allons au London House, et faisons un dejeuner de fous. Qu'on s'imagine seulement dans la confiserie du London House trois petites tables rondes de differentes hauteurs reunies, sur lesquelles on voit a la fois servis du chocolat, du saumon fume, des glaces, des gateaux, des sandwichs, des fraises, du foie gras et du raisin, sans couverts; parce qu'on a demande en desordre et l'un apres l'autre. Si un Francais nous voyait meler le raisin au chocolat et les glaces au jambon il mourrait *d'indigestion* seulement en nous regardant.

But we, blessed creatures (I changed my dress and hat: waterproof and black hat, good), pay no attention to such trifles and do not sully our tongues by speaking of stomachs and digestion.

Mais nous, bienheureuses creatures (j'ai change de robe et de chapeau: waterproof et chapeau noir, bien) ne faisons pas attention a ces betises et ne salissons pas nos langues en parlant d'estomac et de digestion.

I take grapes with us in the carriage and go with Paul to look at guns. A crowd gathered in front of the shop while we were examining the guns. We then went to fetch Walitsky -- he is a better judge. We turned the entire shop upside down and left offering a hundred and eighty francs for a gun they were asking two hundred francs for.

^[In English in the original.]

J'emporte du raisin avec nous en voiture et je vais avec Paul voir des fusils. Une foule s'est rassemblee devant le magasin lorsque nous examinions les guns. Nous allames ensuite chercher Walitsky, il est meilleur juge. Nous avons bouleverse toute la boutique et partimes en proposant cent quatre-vingts francs pour un gun dont on demandait deux cents francs.

I am seated beside Hitchcock at dinner; it is very, very tiresome to have a stupid newcomer beside one. You'll get used to it, you'll get used to it! Well, it seems I shall. I spoke a little more with her after dinner and showed her my school-room, my exercise books. She was seated in the armchair and I on the floor; we happened to speak of the colour of the hair; she detests red hair and said to me:

^[In English in the original.]

Je suis a cote de Hitchcock a diner, c'est tres, tres ennuyeux d'avoir une stupide nouvelle a cote de soi. Tu t'y feras, tu t'y feras ! Allons, il parait que je m'y ferai. J'ai parle un peu plus avec elle apres diner, je lui montrai ma school-room, mes cahiers. Elle etait assise sur le fauteuil et moi par terre, nous happened to speak of the colour of the hair, elle deteste les cheveux rouges, et me dit:

-- I don't advise you to marry an Englishman with red hair; it is a proof of bad temper, he will beat you, a red-haired man.

^[In English in the original.]

- I don't advise you to marry an Englishman with red hair; it is a proof of bad temper, he will beat you, a red-haired man.

-- Why, I always thought that red hair was a sign of good temper.

^[In English in the original.]

- Why, I always thought that red hair was a sign of good temper.

Well then, I am told that redheads are ill-natured; I myself have seen in the Duke of Hamilton's face that he is capricious and bad tempered, but I do not love him any less for that. On the contrary, that Neronic expression pleases me; the more faults he has, the more he shall please me. I am not like everyone else -- I love what others do not love, and I do not love what others admire. In everything it is so: they admire I Promessi sposi, I find it stupid; they love the Italian language, I detest it; they admire the Italians, dark eyes and dark hair -- I cannot bear them. They do not like redheads, I adore them; they find it ridiculous to dress like Hamilton and Merck, I find it sublime. Everyone detests drunken men; I do not detest them in the least.

^["Bad tempered" in English in the original.]

Eh bien, on me dit que *le*s roux sont mechants, j'ai moi-meme vu dans la figure du duc de Hamilton qu'il est capricieux et bad tempered, mais je ne l'aime pas moins pour cela. Au contraire, cette expression neronique me plait, plus il aura de defauts plus il me plaira. Je ne suis pas comme tout le monde, j'aime ce qu'on n'aime pas et je n'aime pas ce qu'on admire. Pour tout il en est ainsi, on admire I Promessi sposi, je les trouve betes, on aime la langue italienne, je la deteste, on admire les Italiens, les yeux et les cheveux noirs, je ne peux pas les supporter. On n'aime pas les roux, je les aime, on trouve ridicule de s'habiller comme Hamilton et Merck, je le trouve sublime. Tout le monde deteste les hommes ivres, je ne les deteste pas du tout.

When Georges gets drunk, Dina, Maman, my aunt -- they all grow angry and anxious and provoke Georges, drive him to folly, needle him and make him furious. I do the very opposite: I treat him as a sick man with whom one must agree. If he wants to smash the windows -- smash them, my dear, shall I help you? If he wants to drink -- let us drink together, how lovely it is to be tipsy. In this way one calms him, and all is peaceful and happy. Whereas Dina takes the wine away from him, looks at him with disapproving eyes, does not speak to him, and scolds. Naturally it provokes him. I am most extraordinary: if I loved a poor man and he loved me too, I would detest him, for I am accustomed to luxury, and poor I would be as miserable as the man who was with me. Moreover, I feel an aversion toward poverty -- loving a poor man -- otherwise not, no doubt.

Quand Georges se grise, Dina, maman, ma tante, toutes deviennent fachees et inquietes et irritent Georges, lui font faire des folies, l'agacent et le rendent furieux. Moi, tout le contraire, je le considere comme un malade avec lequel on doit etre d'accord, s'il veut briser les fenetres, brise-les mon cher, veux-tu que je t'aide ? S'il veut boire: buvons ensemble, que c'est bon d'etre gris. Par cela on le calme et tout est tranquille et heureux. Tandis que Dina lui retire le vin, le regarde avec des yeux mecontents, ne lui parle pas et gronde. Naturellement ca l'irrite. Je suis tres extraordinaire si j'aimais un homme pauvre et s'il m'aimait aussi, je le detesterais, car je suis habituee au luxe et pauvre je serais malheureuse comme celui qui serait avec moi. De plus je sens une aversion envers la pauvrete comme *aimer un pauvre* autrement non sans doute.

Suppose Hamilton were not married, that I love him, and that I learn he is simply Mr. Hamilton with five hundred pounds a year. I would weep over that as over his death, and I would hate him -- I could not cease to love him and become indifferent, but I could no longer bear his presence, even his name; I would detest him with fury, with relentlessness. He would seem to me wretched, pitiable, contemptible, repulsive, dreadful.

^["Contemptible" in English in the original.]

Supposons que Hamilton ne soit pas marie, que je l'aime et que j'apprends qu'il est simplement M. Hamilton avec cinq cents livres de rentes. Je pleurerais cela comme sa mort et je le hairais, je ne pourrais pas cesser de l'aimer et devenir indifferente, mais je ne pourrais plus supporter sa presence, meme son nom, je le detesterais avec furie, avec acharnement. Il me paraitrait miserable, pitoyable contemptible, repoussant, affreux.

That is not to say I love only fortune, for even if Barnola were the Duke of Hamilton, I could never love him.

Ca ne veut pas dire que je n'aime que la fortune car encore, si Barnola etait duc de Hamilton je ne pourrais jamais l'aimer.

Never could a man beneath my station please me; all common people disgust me, exasperate me.

Jamais un homme au-dessous de ma position ne pourra me plaire, tous les communs me *degoutent,* m'enervent.

A poor man loses half of himself; he seems small, wretched -- he has the look of a schoolteacher.

Un homme pauvre perd la moitie de soi-meme, il semble petit, miserable, il a l'air d'un professeur.

The consciousness of his poverty and of having to be thrifty and prudent (horror!) gives him a timid, pitiable expression. Whereas a man who is rich, independent, carries with him pride, a certain easy, comfortable, and assured air. Assurance and a certain victorious air are if not everything, at least a great deal. And I love in Hamilton that confident, majestic, defiant, capricious, vain and cruel air. He has something of Nero.

La conscience de sa pauvrete et de devoir etre econome et prudent (horreur !) lui donne une expression timide, pitoyable. Tandis qu'un homme qui est riche, independant, porte avec lui l'orgueil, un certain air aise, confortable et assure. L'assurance et un certain air victorieux sont sinon tout, du moins beaucoup. Et j'aime en Hamilton cet air sur, majestueux, defiant, capricieux, fat et cruel. Il a du Neron.

^[However, one must not ruin oneself while rich, for one would be reduced to economizing.]

Cependant on ne doit pas se ruiner etant riche car on serait reduit a economiser

While I write, at Maman's they are speaking of the Russians. I expressed my contempt for Poltava, her inhabitants, society, and my dislike for Russians in general. I very comically described the society of Poltava with animal epithets and droll ones (through the door). I said they are not dogs (I have the habit of saying "dogs" at every instant; it is my expression) and pigs, which are noble animals (because I consecrate the pig and the cow to the god Hamilton), but that they are bedbugs (I dare not say the word in French).

^[In English in the original.]

Pendant que j'ecris, chez maman on parle des Russes, j'ai expressed my contempt for Poltava her inhabitants, society, and my dislike for Russians in general. J'ai tres comiquement raconte la societe de Poltava avec des epithetes animales et droles, (a travers la porte). J'ai dit qu'ils ne sont pas des chiens (j'ai l'habitude de dire a chaque instant chiens c'est mon expression) et des cochons qui sont de nobles animaux (parce que je consacre le cochon et la vache au dieu Hamilton) mais qu'ils sont des punaises (je n'ose pas dire le mot en francais).

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