Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 8 July 1873

The heat is scorching! I am burning; I am hot! Oh! my God, tear me from this furnace! At five I went out; I left Walitsky and Paul at the baths, then to Auda's for my white embroidered dress — it will be very pretty, with no tunic behind, embroidered and plain ruffles interspersed at the back, and a small tunic in front, bodice pointed at the back. It will be very pretty. Then to Médecin's — I go there for the first time; they can get me the hat I adore. I ordered it.
This morning, a letter from Alexandre in which business is not going badly, and he will leave Russia only on 20 July, Russian style. This is horrible! The 2nd of August by our calendar! And until he comes it will be September, for he will stop in Vienna. I could not contain myself and burst into tears. How many tears this Exhibition is costing me! And how many more wrinkles at thirty! Papa received three thousand roubles! He was expecting seven thousand. But dear Alexandre always pockets something, taking advantage of all our absences. I will not wait any longer! I shall die if we do not leave! I have not said so, but I have wept!
We leave in a week; there will be no more truce, for we are waiting for no one. It depends on me. What happiness! Oh! thank Thee, my God, thank Thee! It is from Thee that this happiness comes! Thou hast deigned to hear my prayer! If I dared believe Thou wilt hear me for the rest... that Thou wilt give me what I ask! "Knock, and it shall be opened unto you." I believe in that; it is my consolation.
At dinner we had M. Zibine and Princess Galitzine; after dinner, the Anitchkoffs and several others. They settled in the garden; several small tables were set up and they set to playing cards, eating fruit, and drinking coffee. The Tolstoy woman has assured the town that I am seventeen, and everyone believes it. Even this Zibine (one of my admirers, so they say) — an old rat — refuses to believe otherwise. Anitchkoff too. That imbecile Paul says the same. So at dinner, Maman produced my birth certificate, Paul's, and her marriage certificate, and read them aloud. It is therefore proved that I am fourteen and Paul thirteen. I hope that old fool is convinced. One would have to do the same with everyone else. I did not go out in the evening. The landau is being repaired, and I do not like going out in such an ugly barouche. And besides, five people went out — that is enough. I stayed in my school-room and listened to the frogs; I am awakened and lulled to sleep by them. This morning at seven, it rained for a minute or two in torrents, but it stopped all at once, and we had a heat beyond all the descriptions in the world.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩