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Saturday, 24 May 1873

To dine at the Sapogenikoffs' at half past one (ecru dress, hair half-down, half-pinned-up — well). At eleven in town with Paul to look for lamp

Pour dîner chez les Sapogenikoff à une heure et demie (robe écrue, cheveux demi-pendants, demi-retroussés, bien) à onze heures en ville avec Paul pour chercher des verres à

glasses for someone in Nice and to buy the book that I have lost. We walked through all the town for we could not find those glasses and were obliged to seek them everywhere. We have found them at last and the book too. I was so looked at! Indeed, as if I was a bear or I don't know what. Again I don't know why it was. It is not because I am ridiculous for I am not; and I dare not say that it is because I am... pretty... Oh! no. I don't say that. At the Sapogenikoff's at dinner. Afterwards several parties at croquet. But I can't say what is it, only I am not at ease there, and cannot make friends with the girls.¹

lampes pour quelqu'un à Nice et pour acheter le livre that I have lost. We walked through all the town for we could not find those glasses and were obliged to seek them everywhere. We have found them at last and the book too. I was so looked at ! Indeed, as if I was a bear or I don't know what. Again I don't know why it was. It is not because I am ridiculous for I am not; and I dare not say that it is because I am... pretty... Oh ! no. I don't say that. At the Sapogenikoff's at dinner Afterwards several parties at croquet. But I can't say what is it, only I am not at ease there, and cannot make friends with the girls.

When at five o'clock mamma came, (she went after dinner to the hotel to finish with Krumling) I was very much relieved to go, besides I wanted to buy the croquet which we saw this morning with Paul; it is a magnificent one from London. The Boyds had such a game in Baden.¹

When at five o'clock mamma came, (she went after dinner to the hotel fo finish with Krumling) I was very much relieved to go, besides I wanted to buy the croquet which we saw this morning with Paul; it is a magnificent one from London. The Boyds had such a game in Baden.

We went with mamma and bought it. I was very much pleased. After having dined at the table d'hôte (for the first was not a famous one) we all three went for a walk and I have bougth two balls for it has so much attraction for me now, I will become a baby.¹

At eight o'clock Mr Yourkoff with Alexis and Cima, the boy who lives with them, came to go to the circus with us.¹

At eight o'clock Mr Yourkoff with Alexis and Cima, the boy who lives with them, came to go to the circus with us.

On the way there I recovered a little and regained my cheerful humour. I talked with the boys. This Cima was throwing glances at me and it made me laugh inwardly. We took seats in the front row — the places had been reserved (oh! Maman and Paul are chatting and I cannot write; I am writing stupidly). The performance was very fine — the acrobat especially did supernatural things.

En allant là, je me suis remise un peu et j'ai repris mon humeur gaie. J'ai parlé avec les garçons. Ce Cima me lançait des regards et cela me faisait rire intérieurement. Nous nous mîmes au premier rang, les places étaient retenues (oh ! maman et Paul causent et je ne puis écrire, j'écris bêtement). La représentation était très belle, surtout l'acrobate faisait des choses surnaturelles.

Coming out, Maman introduced me to the daughters of Mme Kanchine. When I entered the circus, one of them, the eldest, examined me closely. My appearance made quite an impression in general — especially because I am entirely new to the people here, and because I walk in the streets; for one does not see Geneva society, and if one did not know it existed, one might believe that in Geneva there are only cooks, working women, etc. etc.

En sortant, maman m'a présenté les filles de Mme Kanchine. Quand je suis entrée au cirque, l'une d'elles, l'aînée, m'a beaucoup examinée. Mon apparition a produit beaucoup d'effet en général, surtout parce que je suis toute nouvelle pour les gens d'ici et parce que je me promène dans les rues car on ne voit pas le monde de Genève et si on ne savait pas qu'il existe on pourrait croire qu'à Genève il n'y a que des cuisinières, des *blousières* etc. etc.

Here the children are like in Baden — the boys court the girls etc. etc. etc. I should have a great deal of trouble if I stayed, for I run after nobody and conduct myself very proudly. On the whole, it amuses me well enough and I should be happy in Geneva, but it is absolutely necessary to know everyone; otherwise it is a tomb. One does not live in the street as in Nice, Baden, etc. etc. — one lives at home. Ah! at the circus I saw the gentleman whom all last winter we took for Audiffret the elder; Yourkoff knows him — it is Comte Grimau. On the drive back I had a discussion with Yourkoff about

Ici les enfants sont comme à Bade, les garçons font la cour aux filles etc. etc. etc. J'aurais beaucoup de soucis si je restais car je ne cours après personne et me conduis très fièrement. En somme, cela m'amuse assez et je me plairais à Genève, mais il est *absolument nécessaire* de connaître tout le monde, autrement c'est un tombeau. On ne vit pas dans la rue comme à Nice, Bade etc. etc. mais on vit chez soi. Ah ! au cirque j'ai vu le monsieur que tout l'hiver dernier nous prenions pour Audiffret aîné; Yourkoff le connaît, c'est le comte Grimau. Au retour en voiture j'eus une discussion avec Yourkoff par rapport

pigeon shooting. He was displaying all his principles of morality and I know not what else; I wanted to prove the contrary. I was in good humour and I appreciate it all the more as it is rarer in me now. I picture all the comical quarrels there would be over the boys who would court me with Marie Sapogenikoff. For if I stayed any longer, Cima..... well, it is all the same. A friend of Paul's told him that I am

au Tir aux pigeons. Il étalait tous les principes de moralité et de je ne sais quoi encore, je voulais prouver le contraire. J'étais de bonne humeur et je l'apprécie d'autant plus que c'est plus rare chez moi maintenant. Je me présente toutes les querelles comiques qu'il y aurait pour les garçons qui me feraient la cour avec Marie Sapogenikoff. Car si je reste encore Cima..... enfin, c'est égal. Un ami de Paul lui a dit que je suis

beautiful (fool that he is).

belle (bête qu'il est).

Reading this one would think I am filled with these absurdities and that it is all serious. I note it down to laugh at later. I am not one of those girls who become infatuated with boys — no. I would willingly let myself be courted — oh yes! — but never a squeeze of the hand, nor (God forbid) a kiss. I remain always cold — that is to say, I am as I am, for I cannot possibly take this seriously. And I shall be all the more sought after for it. Girls who hang on the necks of boys — that is worthless. One single serious thing occupies me: the Duke of Hamilton. If he reads this journal one day, he will see me whole, as I am before myself. He will see that I am not like everyone else, that I love him, that all my thoughts are serious, that I do not concern myself with foolishness like the others. In everything I do, everywhere I go, I think only of him. Before, I could amuse myself; now, in the midst of all my amusements, a single desire pursues me — to see him, to have him near me. Always I say to myself: "Ah! if he were here!" I love him, my God! I beseech Thee to make him love me.

A lire cela on croirait que je suis toute remplie de ces bêtises et que c'est sérieux. Je prends note de cela pour en rire après. Je ne suis pas de ces filles qui s'amourachent des garçons, non. Je laisserais volontiers me faire la cour, oh ! oui ! mais jamais ni un pressement de main ni (Dieu m'en garde) un baiser. Je reste toujours froide, c'est-à-dire je suis comme je suis, car je ne puis donc pas prendre cela au sérieux. Et je n'en serai que plus recherchée. Les filles qui se pendent au cou des garçons, ça ne vaut rien. Une seule chose sérieuse m'occupe: c'est le duc de Hamilton. S'il lira un jour ce journal il me verra toute entière comme je suis devant moi-même. Il verra que je ne suis pas comme tout le monde, que je l'aime, que toutes mes pensées sont sérieuses, que je ne m'occupe pas de bêtises comme les autres. Dans tout ce que je fais, partout où je vais, je ne pense qu'à lui. Avant, je pouvais m'amuser, maintenant, au milieu de tous mes amusements, un seul désir me poursuit: de le voir, de l'avoir près de moi. Toujours je me dis: "Ah ! s'il était ici !" Je l'aime, mon Dieu ! Je Te supplie de faire qu'il m'aime.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩

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