Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 3 May 1873

# Samedi 3 mai 1873

Wind. Maman's name day; I gave her my bouquet. She is in her bed. I began to do my hair — I tried three styles, nothing. At last it is done, then to dress (blue silk dress — the whole was not bad).

Vent. La fête de maman, je lui ai donné mon bouquet, elle est dans son lit. J'ai commencé à me coiffer, j'ai essayé trois coiffures, rien. Enfin c'est fait, puis m'habiller (robe en soie bleue, le tout n'était pas mal).

I do not plan to go out, since we were told we would have company (bores) at dinner. But Mlle Collignon came to fetch me, and having in an instant changed dresses (Dina's dress, green hat — good, hair half-down). By cab. We drove about, then I said to go to the port, and said laughing:

Je ne compte pas sortir, comme on a dit que nous aurions du monde (cochon) à dîner. Mais Mlle Collignon vint me chercher et ayant en un instant changé de robe (robe à Dina, chapeau vert, bien, cheveux demi-pendants). En fiacre. Nous nous sommes promenées puis j'ai dit d'aller au port, et j'ai dit en riant:

— We are going to see some yachts!

— Nous allons voir des yachts !

I said it in jest, but the first thing I see is a sailing yacht with an English flag and a coronet something like this. Mademoiselle said:

J'ai dit cela pour me moquer, mais la première chose que je vois, c'est un yacht à voiles, drapeau anglais et une couronne à peu près comme cela . Mademoiselle a dit:

— Ah! There is a yacht.

— Ah ! voilà un yacht.

She has lost her voice; she seems broken; she is gentler and confused.

Elle a perdu sa voix, elle semble brisée, elle est plus douce et confuse.

— It is a ducal flag.

— C'est un drapeau ducal.

— No, it is a baron's.

— Non, c'est un baron.

— Ducal, I know. But whose can it be, if it is...

— Ducal, je sais. Mais de qui cela peut être si c'est...

At that moment Palajka comes in and tells me Egor Stepanovich has arrived.

En ce moment *Palajka* entre et me dit *Egor Stépanovitch est arrivé*.

At first I did not understand, and went full of astonishment to Maman, where I actually found him. I am very glad to see him.

Avant je n'ai pas compris et je suis allée pleine d'étonnement chez maman où je l'ai réellement trouvé. Je suis très contente de le voir.

Poor man! Yet another broken life!

Pauvre homme ! voilà encore une vie brisée !

I continue, then: could it be his? No — what would he come to do in Nice now? Perhaps he is not here, but the yacht was passing through.

Je continue donc: - si c'est à lui ? Non, que viendrait-il faire maintenant à Nice ? Peut-être lui n'y est pas, mais le yacht en passant.

I came back and changed dresses again — the violet dress with muslin. At dinner: we, the two Anitchkoffs, Lefèvre, Patton. During dinner Mme Anitchkoff behaved so badly! Like a peasant, like a brute — throwing balls, testing her strength, etc., etc.

Je suis retournée et encore changé de robe, la robe violette avec mousseline. A dîner, nous, les deux Anitchkoff, Lefevre, Patton. Pendant le dîner Mme Anitchkoff se conduisait si mal ! Comme une paysanne, comme une brute, jetant des balles, essayant ses forces, etc. etc.

I do not like people like that. It is nothing if one is not witty — one must at least know society's chatter; if your conversation offers nothing agreeable, at least be a fashionable doll with gowns, extravagances, etc. But when one is nothing — neither learned, nor worldly, nor a domestic type, nor vain, nor anything at all — that is the height of stupidity. After dinner, Markevitch and I talked; we sat in the small dark sitting room and analyzed the miserable company we had. She is quite nice, intelligent. Then we spoke of our tastes, etc. She went off with everyone; I do not know where I was.

Je n'aime pas les gens comme cela, ça n'est rien, si l'on n'est pas spirituel, il faut savoir le bavardage du monde, si votre conversation n'offre rien d'agréable, soyez au moins une poupée à la mode avec des toilettes, des extravagances, etc. Mais quand on n'est rien, ni savant, ni mondain, ni *homme d'intérieur*, ni vain, ni rien du tout, c'est tout ce qu'il y a de plus bête. Après dîner, nous avons parlé moi et Markevitch, nous nous sommes assises au petit salon sombre et nous analysâmes la misère de monde que nous avions. Elle est assez gentille, intelligente. Puis nous avons parlé de nos goûts etc. Elle alla avec tout le monde, moi je ne sais où j'étais.

Then on entering my room I saw Markevitch lying on Dina's bed; I sat near her and we talked. She asked if I really write my journal — Walitsky calls it in Russian nuitnal instead of journal, because I write it in the evenings. "It is very interesting," said she, "to write a diary; it is so charming to read it years and years afterwards. There are moments in life which one forgets, and if you write it, one day years and years after you may again live in the past and have all your life before you. You may see your opinions, feelings, change every year; you may compare what you have been and what you are!"1

Puis on entering my room I saw Markevich lying on Dina's bed; I sat near her and we talked. She asked if I really write my *journal* Walitsky calls it in russian *nuitnal* instead of *journal*, because I write it on evenings. "It is very interesting said she to write a diary, it is so charming to read it years and years afterwards. There are moments in the life which one forgets, and if you write it, one day years and years after you may again live in the past and have all your life before you. You may see your opinions, feelings, change every year, you may compare what you have been and what your are !"

That is certainly true, but I cannot do it for a great reason, but which appears to everybody nothing. It is the want of time. I should like to write my impressions, my opinions on people, but I cannot. I can scarcely tell the things which are the nearest to me, and yet, en glissant...1

That is certainly true, but I cannot do it for a great reason, but which appears to everybody, nothing. It is the want of time. I shoul like to write my impressions, my opinions on people, but I cannot. I can scarcely tell, the things which are the nearest to me, and yet, *en glissant*...

[Torn page: ...think he will become a good man, had I him with me]1

[Page arrachée: think he will become a good man, had I him with me ]

Je crois que je prends trop sur moi, but with God's help, and trusting in His goodness, an insect may accomplish a great deed.1

Je crois que je prends trop sur moi, but with God's help, and trusting in His goodness, an insect may accomplish a great deed.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩