Tuesday, 29 November 1881
Well, it has been a fortnight now, and I have at least another fortnight ahead of me. Little Brisbane came to see me, then Villevieille — who has herself been ill. And Amélie! Julian is forever anxious for news of me, and the other evening she came running [two words blacked out:] to give him her report, that very same evening at the class. That girl will no doubt achieve her ends. No one has ever found a more ingenious way to wind herself around a man from every side.Madame Nachet brings me a bouquet of violets today; I receive her as I do everyone, for despite the fever which has not left me for a fortnight and a pulmonary congestion on the left side — alias pleurisy — and two blister plasters, I do not capitulate. I am up and about and conduct myself as a person in ordinary health. Only the quinine is making me deaf; the other night I thought I would die of terror, hearing my watch no longer. And
Eh bien voila quinze jours que ca dure et j'en ai encore au moins pour autant. La petite Brisbane est venue me voir, Villevieille qui elle-meme vient d'etre malade. Et Amelie ! Julian est toujours tres inquiet de mes nouvelles et l'autre soir elle est accourue [deux mots noircis: ] lui faire son rapport le soir meme au cours. Cette fille arrivera sans doute a ses fins. On n'a jamais eu une plus ingenieuse facon d'envelopper un homme de tous cotes. Madame Nachet m'apporte un bouquet de violettes aujourd'hui, je la recois comme tout le monde car malgre la fievre qui ne me quitte pas depuis quinze jours et une congestion pulmonaire du cote gauche, alias pleuresie, et deux vesicatoires, je ne capitule pas, je suis levee et me comporte comme une personne naturelle. Seulement la quinine me rend sourde, l'autre nuit j'ai pense mourir de terreur n'entendant plus ma montre. Et
[Crossed out: Besides] I feel almost strong, and were it not that for a fortnight I have been unable to swallow anything, I would not feel my illness at all.
Even so — my work, my painting, my poor painting. We are the 29th of November. I shall not be able to begin before the end of December; in two and a half months I shall never have the time. What ill luck, and when one is born unhappy there is no fighting it — look at me. Painting seemed a refuge, and now I am going deaf, which means terrible embarrassment with the models, perpetual anxieties, and the impossibility of doing portraits unless I confess — and I have not yet the courage for that. Then this illness, unable to work, forced to stay shut in for another month... But it is too sad for words.
Dina does not leave my side; she is so good to me.
Paul and his wife arrived yesterday. The Gavinis and Géry came. Bojidar, Alexis. And I, always keeping my high spirits, extricating myself from difficult moments by sheer force of will and jokes.
The doctors are the source of amusement now. Potain, being unable to come every day, sends me a doctor who will come daily. Charcot [words blacked out: already at] sent a replacement, but so stupid that I could not stand him, and taking advantage of my illness I told him I detested him, that he bored me, that it was a positive torment to see him, etc. Naturally I relate all of this to Potain, who promises me that his man will be less stupid. Nevertheless this worthy fellow, before entering, addressed himself to my aunt to say that M. Potain had warned him I was excessively capricious and wayward, and that he would very much like to know how one ought to approach me.
And I find that delightful! For I play the madwoman and profit from this state to deliver absurdities.
il faudra en prendre encore et toujours. Du [Mot noirci: reste] je me sens presque forte et si ce n'etait que depuis quinze jours je ne puis rien avaler, je ne sentirais pas ma maladie. C'est egal, mon travail, mon tableau, mon pauvre tableau. Nous sommes au 29 novembre...