Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Friday, 29 April 1881

Mme de Brimont called, and naturally nothing was spoken of but Girardin's death1 — every detail. She is deeply affected, distressed.

Mme de Brimont a été chez nous et naturellement il n'a été question que de la mort de Girardin, tous les détails. Elle est très affectée, chagrinée.

The evenings are spent in argument — my father talks sense and these women respond with childish nonsense that does not hold together. Maman sets up little nagging provocations against him, innocent ones, perhaps even unconscious... or else she believes it is charming.

On passe les soirées à discuter, mon père parle raison et ces femmes répondent par des enfantillages qui ne se tiennent pas debout. Maman lui monte des petites scies innocentes et peut-être même inconscientes... ou bien c'est qu'elle croit que c'est joli.

In short everything falls back on me — I still wait and nothing comes — and these tormentors complain that I cough "because I refuse to take care of myself, not even with donkey's milk."2 Just think: it is perfectly obvious that donkey's milk would cure me at once. Poor Saint-Amand, who went to the Queen's and came the next day to ask why I was not there — he had been planning to write up the reception for Etincelle's column3... oh, to be sure! I shall never be reconciled to it, because it is atrociously unjust!!! Yes — a thousand times unjust!!

Bref tout retombe sur moi, j'attends toujours et rien n'arrive et ces bourreaux se plaignent de ce que je tousse "parce que je ne veux pas me soigner, pas même de lait d'ânesse". Songez donc, il est évident que le lait d'ânesse me guérirait illico. Ce pauvre Saint Amand qui est allé chez la Reine et qui est venu le lendemain ici demander pourquoi je n'y étais pas, il allait faire le "carnet" par Etincelle... ah ! bien oui. Je n'en prendrai jamais mon parti parce que c'est atrocement injuste !!! Oui, mille fois injuste II!

I breathe badly and weep over my wasted existence. And to think that I live with these wretches who are killing me. No!... it is enough to die of rage.

Je respire mal et je pleure sur mon existence gâchée. Et dire que je vis avec les misérables qui me tuent. Non !... c'est à en crever de rage.

Notes

Émile de Girardin died on 27 April 1881. He was 79, and his death was a major event in Parisian press and political circles. Mme de Brimont had presumably been close to him. ↩
Donkey's milk (lait d'ânesse): a traditional remedy for pulmonary and chest ailments, prescribed well into the 19th century for tuberculosis and similar conditions. Its inefficacy was obvious to Marie, who found being prescribed it infuriating. ↩
Etincelle (Spark): the pen name of the Figaro society columnist Mme de Peyronney (Vicomtesse de Létorières), who wrote under Saint-Amand's direction and gathered material at Queen Isabella's receptions. A mention in her column was a mark of social visibility. ↩