Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Sunday, 3 February 1878

At [word blacked out: five twenty] they announce Popaul. I am in a dark humour and declare upon entering that I shall not converse, and that no one is to count on me.
Cassagnac wishes to leave and says that it is difficult for him to dine with us this evening.
— If it is difficult for you, then do not — I trust you will not stand on ceremony with us.
— Certainly not. I have a dinner at my father's, where there will be people from my homeland.
— Go then — go, good evening. I shall not be amiable this evening; besides, it will make a change for you — women say such charming things to you.
— Listen, my dear little friend... I wish to dine here — but I must go and change; my frock coat confines me.
— If that is all, you may take it off. I lend you my room, my lady's maid, and my dressing gown.
My room, my lady's maid, and my dressing gown give rise to a wager or a promise that I made without understanding a word of it, and which for the moment has no importance.
— In that case, my dear little friend — when your mother comes in, insist that I stay; otherwise it would be rather amusing.
— I shall insist.
Pierre has sprained his foot; Triphon is tipsy; there is only Chocolat. Grandfather, who at every moment requires attention, would be left alone if all our ladies did not leave the drawing room ten times over; during these tête-à-têtes we spoke of the five women. Cassagnac is of my opinion — and had it not been for him the situation would have been false, strained, and detestable; and indeed it was, in spite of him.
He kisses my hand several times — in friendship, of course.
Gloriae Cupiditas
78th Book
begun Sunday 3 February 1878 — completed Saturday 16 March 1878. Paris, avenue de l'Alma 67.
[Annotation of the Bibliothèque Nationale: pages 63 to 68 have been removed. Deficit noted 13 April 1938.]
Sunday 3 February 1878 — continued
It affects me not at all that he kisses my hand.
— At the moment when I kept you alone with me for an instant in my room, I had a desire to do something...
— What?
— To kiss you.
— And to what end?
— For nothing — I know that, with you.
— It would give you pleasure, then.
— To me, yes. But my respect is so great that I said to myself: it would be wrong — since I know who you are.
— Oh! you are a good fellow, an excellent fellow — a brave man.
— Yes — a brave man.
— A brave man... had you done it.
— Well then — what would you have said?
— True, there would have been nothing to say — but I should have been so vexed... you know, I hardly know how to explain it... something always remains... it would be... dirty.
— Dirty!
— Yes — dirty.
— Well then, my dear little friend — I shall fear neither for your peace nor for your tranquillity so long as the idea of kissing a man seems dirty to you.
— It will always be so.
— Oh no.
— Oh yes! listen — perhaps when — but when one does not love
someone — it is dirty, is it not?
— From that point of view, yes.
— That is what I say.
We dined together and joked and laughed. Mme de Fayet wrote a wildly enthusiastic letter to Popaul.
— Well, my friend — if you have come to inspiring passions in old women, I pity you.
[Written in the margin: Cassagnac told maman the story of the five women — without naming anyone.]
I put on my monk's habit — which I had promised to show him long ago — and while he made his confession [words struck out: which I was listening to] under the hood, the great and noble young man, increasingly devout, accompanied his words with kisses... on the hand — strange kisses... with his child-like lips... I have never encountered anything but thin lips; and Cassagnac — that is to say my arm was barely wide enough; no, these are nonsenses — he has a small mouth. Yes — my arm — oh good Lord, it is so beautiful; the arm, of course.
— Is all of it like that?...
— Better.
— Nothing she does will surprise me.
We were three: the Colonelle, myself, and Popaul. The mothers were in the grand drawing room.
Ah! let me not forget to say that before dinner M. d'Andigné came — for quite a long time too — and that he is very amiable; and that I am vexed because he may think that Cassagnac is paying me court. He is for Dina, I believe.
— Was it not dreadful to have unmasked herself, my dear friend?
— It was wrong. But tell me — one must begin again; one must find some arrangement...
— I shall find one — without even trying... it comes to me just like that, all at once.
— Was it not a charming evening — you and the Colonelle will say so, won't you? And it gives me certain rights... you know, since I am in love with shoes and stockings, you are always obliged to show them to me — it is an acquired right, and that is settled.
— You are a brave man.
— Not quite so brave as all that!
— Yes, yes — a brave man.
Berthe arrives; I run to dress again and come to the drawing room as if nothing had happened.
Oh! I have been mad! while dressing I slipped my fingers
through a cupboard door giving onto the dining room, and Cassagnac bit my fingers. I said to him very softly saligaud — as when he kissed my foot at his apartment.

Notes

Gloriae Cupiditas: Desire for Glory. Marie's personal motto, inscribed at the end of each carnet. ↩
Saligaud: a crude term of abuse — literally "dirty pig" or "filthy brute." In context, an intimate whispered endearment as much as an insult. ↩