Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 17 May 1877

Happy in my soft, elegant little nest, in my flowering garden. Nice does not exist; I am in the country, at home, I see nothing else — except the Skating rink, which was entirely empty, but as we were eight or ten people, we formed a superb audience. I cannot manage to skate alone — no one in the world would believe me timid, and yet I am frightened to death.

# Jeudi 17 mai 1877

It is Audiffret who is not pleased. We ran into him with Laurenti, who was leaving just as we were arriving. A few words were exchanged. He could not reasonably turn back on seeing us arrive, so he had to leave — but he came back twice, looking as embarrassed as possible and therefore stiff, standing at the top of the steps watching us skate. I behaved as if he were not there. He came to greet Maman as she left with Mme Kondareff and told her it had been ages since he had seen her. I am quite glad he is bored to death — no more tower, no more following, Mme Vigier and so forth — he has had enough of all that; nobody at the Club and above all no money. No resources at all, in short. He is greatly vexed at not being able to come back to our house; I see it and I enjoy it. The sea baths, the outings, the quiet summer evenings — all that appears to him now like a perfume, like a burst of laughter, and there were so many bursts of laughter.

C'est Audiffret qui n'est pas content. Nous l'avons rencontré avec Laurenti qui sortait comme nous entrions. On a échangé quelques paroles. Il ne pouvait pas raisonnablement rebrousser chemin en nous voyant arriver aussi dut-il s'en aller, mais il revint deux fois ensuite avec l'air le plus embarrassé du monde et par conséquent rigide, se tenant sur le haut du perron et nous regardant patiner. Je faisais comme s'il n'était pas là. Il vint saluer maman comme elle partait avec Mme Kondareff et lui dire qu'il y avait des siècles qu'il ne l'avait vue. Je suis bien aise qu'il s'ennuie à périr, plus de tour, plus de suite, Mme Vigier etc. il en a par-dessus la tête, personne au Cercle et surtout pas d'argent. Aucune ressource enfin. Il est très ennuyé de ne pouvoir revenir chez nous, je le vois et j'en jouis. Les bains de mer, les parties, les soirées calmes d'été... tout cela apparaît comme un parfum, comme un éclat de rire et il y en a tant eu, d'éclats de rire.

[Written across the page: For him.]

[En travers: Pour lui]

"Keep him at arm's length," said Mademoiselle Collignon.

— Tenez-le au bout du bâton, dit Mademoiselle Collignon.

Yes indeed — and without regret, since tormenting him gives me more pleasure than seeing him would, if pleasure there be... and given the desert in which I find myself.

Oui, certes, et sans regret, puisque l'agacer me fait plus de plaisir que de le voir, si plaisir il y a... et vu le désert dans lequel je me trouve.

I should very much like to know whether Alexandre has replied to my last note... I have just written to the Hôtel du Louvre.

Je voudrais bien savoir si Alexandre a répondu à mon dernier billet... Je viens d'écrire à l'hôtel du Louvre.