Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday, 17 January 1876

Lundi, 17 janvier 1876

My aunt writes that Galula has shaved! To have nothing else to report!

Ma tante ecrit que Galula s'est rase ! Faut-il n'avoir rien a dire !

I am still working on my dressing gown. I dreamed of the Surprising One in military uniform. I woke very anxious — I am very anxious all day long. What is happening at Nice? I am greatly tormented, very anxious. We walked at the Villa Doria; there were some people; the man I had taken for the Devil passed us on horseback — I barely caught a glimpse. I believe I was rather pretty, but I am certain of it once I am home.

Je travaille encore a mon peignoir. J'ai reve du Surprenant en costume de soldat. Je me suis reveillee tout inquiete, toute la journee je le suis beaucoup. Que se passe-t-il a Nice ? Je suis tres tourmentee, tres inquiete. Nous nous sommes promenees a la villa Doria, il y avait quelque monde, celui que je prenais pour le Diable nous a passe a cheval, je n'ai fait que l'entrevoir ? Je crois que j'etais assez jolie, mais je suis sure de l'etre une fois rentree.

For the house I do my hair very well — I arrange it round my head like the statues, putting the ends in front, and since it is all curly I form a magnificent classical knot that suits my face as nothing else in the world does.

Pour la maison je me coiffe tres bien, je mets les cheveux autour de la tete comme les statues et je m'arrange de facon a avoir les bouts de mes cheveux devant, et comme ils sont tous frises j'en fais un magnifique noeud a l'antique, qui va a ma figure comme aucune autre chose au monde.

I regret being pretty only at home alone — I am not selfish. Seriously, I do everything for others, and I am annoyed to be at my best when there is no one to see me.

Je regrette d'etre jolie chez moi seule, je ne suis pas egoiste, non, serieusement je fais tout pour les autres et je suis fachee d'etre bien quand il n'y a personne pour me voir.

My aunt has written again this evening. Papa Léon1 is in Nice.

Ma tante a encore ecrit ce soir. Papa Leon est a Nice.

Ah! He is in Nice! I write to him immediately — and my aunt, as always, will dispatch the letter so that he thinks it comes from Nice. He shall have neither "worn-out cur" nor "old imbecile" — I shall be polite.

Ah ! il est a Nice ! je lui ecris de suite et ma tante comme toujours expediera la lettre pour qu'il pense qu'elle vient de Nice. Il n'aura ni du "chien fourbu" ni du "vieil imbecile" je serai polie.

Monsieur, You have arrived in your good city without the least suspicion of the misfortune that has befallen your son. His soul, mortgaged to Satan, to whom he could not pay, was sold at public auction in the hall of the new establishment of public outcry sale and was knocked down to Cagery of the London House for the sum of seven francs fifty centimes. Since that time your unfortunate son is nothing but a soulless body, exposed to all corporeal and spiritual contingencies. The soul of Monsieur Émile d'Audiffret, having been found in a drain by a monk of Cimiez, was brought to the convent and locked up in the Superior's snuffbox — but three days ago it escaped. It is being sought. As a good father, seek it yourself. Signed: a well-wisher.

Monsieur,

This Surprising One in military uniform torments me. I fear more than people think. "What one fears greatly never comes to pass," it is said — I should like it to be true this time. How long winter is! Why is it not already spring? It seems to me that in spring I shall have nothing more to fear. I am preparing a disillusionment for myself — I think of this spring as the Jews thought of the Promised Land;2 it seems to me that in spring all will go well, that I am sure of my revenge and of everything. That is ugly — for spring will no doubt be as sad as winter and seem even sadder, because I am preparing myself for a great many successes.

Ce Surprenant en costume militaire me tourmente. Je crains plus que l'on ne pense. "Ce que l'on craint beaucoup n'arrive jamais" dit-on, je voudrais que ce fut vrai pour cette fois. Que l'hiver est long, que n'est-ce deja le printemps, il me semble qu'au printemps je n'aurai plus rien a craindre. Je me prepare une desillusion, je pense a ce printemps comme les Juifs pensaient a la terre promise, il me semble qu'au printemps tout ira bien, je suis sure de ma vengeance et de tout. C'est laid, car le printemps sera sans doute aussi triste que l'hiver et me semblera plus triste encore parce que je me prepare a un tas de reussites.

Is that not foolish enough! I am persuaded I shall have the Surprising One — it is merely a question of time, I tell myself inwardly. Make me think wisely! What a wretched girl! I create my own troubles; by composing stories I end up believing them and waiting firmly for their realisation.

Est-ce assez bete ! Je suis persuadee que j'aurai le Sur-prenant, ce n'est qu'une question de temps, me dis-je interieurement. Faites donc que je pense sagement ! Quelle fichue fille ! Je me fais moi-meme des ennuis, en me composant des histoires je finis par y croire et par attendre fermement leur realisation.

And it is always as I fall asleep that I compose these stories. And afterwards I am very vexed when things do not turn out as I have arranged.

Et c'est toujours avant de m'endormir que je compose ces histoires. Et apres je suis tres vexee lorsque ca n'arrive pas comme j'ai arrange.

In sum, what is certain is that I am greatly tormented — continuously tormented, from morning to this moment. This Girofla in military uniform seems to presage some misfortune.

Enfin ce qu'il y a de positif c'est que je suis tres tourmentee et continuellement tourmentee, depuis le matin jusqu'a present. Ce Girofla en costume militaire semble me presager quelque malheur.

Ah! Wretched boy! Who would have said, when I used to call you "Audiffret, such a nice young man," that you would cause me so much trouble. Ah! Scoundrel! Ah! Villain!

Ah ! miserable garcon ! Qui eut dit quand je te nommais "Audiffret, ce gentil garcon" que tu me causerais tant de tracas. Ah ! canaille, Ah ! scelerat !

Tomorrow is a great feast — the Baptism of Jesus.3 In Russia one tells fortunes on the eve of this feast. I shall keep watch with a comb under my pillow.

Demain c'est une grande fete *le Bapteme de Jesus*. En Russie on fait la bonne aventure la veille de cette fete. Moi je veillerai un peigne sous mon oreiller.

You cannot imagine how much Nice preoccupies me. Never — or almost never — has it happened to me before to be anxious about something for an entire day, to think of it incessantly.

Vous ne sauriez croire combien Nice m'inquiete. Jamais ou presque jamais encore il ne m'est arrive d'etre inquiete d'une chose pendant tout un jour, d'y penser sans cesse.

Ah! Damned boy, rascal of a Nice man, son of a dog and of Léon!4

Ah ! fichu garcon, coquin de Nicois, fils de chien et de Leon !

And I concern myself with him still, after the story of the invitation?! Fie! The detestable memory! Why does it come to besmirch me — why is there between Audiffret and me anything more than a flirtation!

Et je m'en occupe encore apres l'histoire de l'invitation ? ! Fi ! le detestable souvenir ! Pourquoi vient-il me salir, pourquoi y-a-t-il entre Audiffret et moi autre chose qu'une coquetterie !

Think how furious I am with him! The Howards are not a young man, a Girofla — he behaved like them, or nearly so. And I talk of him and am anxious if he marries or if he dies! No — deep down I detest him, I despise him because he has conducted himself badly, because he has spat on us! What is more atrocious than that us.

Pensez si je suis furieuse contre lui ! Les Howard ne sont pas un jeune homme, un Girofla; il a fait comme eux ou a peu pres comme eux. Et j'en parle et je suis inquiete s'il se marie ou s'il meurt ! Non, au fond je le deteste, je le meprise parce qu'il s'est mal conduit, parce qu'il nous a crache dessus ! Qu'y-a-til de plus atroce que ce nous.

Thunder of heaven! Lava of Vesuvius! Tempest of the Ocean!5

Tonnerre du ciel ! Lave du Vesuve ! Tempete de l'Ocean !

Truly, I cannot understand how I speak of him! How I do not bury him in eternal oblivion!

Vrai, je ne comprends pas comment j'en parle ! Comment je ne l'enterre pas dans un oubli eternel !

Ah! How miserable our position is. Disdained, rejected!

Ah ! que notre position est miserable. Dedaignes, rejetes !

Will God not take pity on a poor creature who tears herself apart from morning to night!

Est-ce que Dieu ne prendra pas en pitie une pauvre creature qui se dechire du matin au soir !

I beg you not to think I am complaining about our position merely because I do not wish to complain on account of the Surprising One.

Je vous prie ne pensez pas que je me plains de notre position ne voulant pas me plaindre a cause du Surprenant.

God be thanked — I disguise neither my thoughts nor my heart here, and say far too much of all my feelings.

Dieu merci je ne deguise ni ma pensee ni mon coeur ici, et ne dis que trop tout mon sentiment.

The more I think of it, the more I despair. Robenson — a vile American, a fast6 girl — and she has a position and is received in society. And I! And I! I spend my life writing it and shall never write it enough!

Plus j'y pense plus je me desespere. La Robenson, une vile americaine, une fille *fast,* et elle a une position et elle est recue. Et moi, et moi ! Je passe ma vie a l'ecrire et jamais je ne l'ecrirai assez !

I suffer as no one has ever suffered.

Je souffre comme on n'a jamais souffert.

God and Jesus Christ, take pity on me — I always say the same thing, but You see Yourself how unhappy I am! Have compassion, then, for a wretched soul. O Holy Virgin Mary, have pity on me — pray to God for me!

Dieu et Jesus Christ, prenez-moi en pitie, je dis toujous la meme chose, mais Vous voyez Vous-meme comme je suis malheureuse ! Ayez-donc de la compassion pour une miserable, o Sainte Vierge Marie ayez pitie de moi, priez Dieu., pour moi !

Notes

"Papa Léon" — Marie's ironic designation for Audiffret's father, Léon d'Audiffret. ↩
The Promised Land — the land of Canaan promised to the Israelites in their Exodus from Egypt; a byword for a longed-for goal that proves elusive. ↩
The Baptism of Jesus (Theophany/Epiphany) — 6 January Old Style (Julian calendar), corresponding to 19 January New Style (Gregorian); one of the great feasts of the Russian Orthodox Church. ↩
"Fils de chien et de Léon!" — "son of a dog and of Léon!" — combining the standard insult ("son of a dog") with Audiffret's father's Christian name for added venom. ↩
A characteristic string of Marie's hyperbolic exclamations, escalating in grandeur from biblical thunder to geological to oceanic catastrophe. ↩
==Fast== — in English in the original; Victorian English slang for a woman of loose morals or improper behaviour. ↩