Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Thursday, 3 June 1875

Omnes homines qui sese student praestare ceteri animalibus summa ope miti decet vitam silentius ne transeant, veluti secôra [sic], quae natura prona atque ventri obedientia finxit.
Must make great efforts not to pass one's days in oblivion.
Do you hear! Well done, Sallust — you are my kind of man.
Let us leave Sallust aside and pass to Girofla. My aunt lied when she said she had invited this man for this evening. It was only at the concert, when he told us he was going to Monaco, that she said to him:
— Instead of going to Monaco, come to us.
He replied that he was enchanted, that it would no doubt be a far greater pleasure, and so forth.
At eight o'clock all the doors are opened, the first floor lit up, and I come down — in white as always, the Archiduc dress.
Nina and her Pâris arrive, and Marie and Olga — but I am beginning to weary of these good girls.
Galula enters and two minutes later Audiffer — very well dressed and pleasant. Then Ricardo (Barnola) — and that is everyone.
I introduce Girofla to Maman and to Dina and exchange a few words with him in that gentle, smiling dove-like manner I have adopted — or rather, that has adopted me — since the beginning.
The caterwauling begins — Barnola, then Pâris, then Collignon, then Barnola again, then Pâris — and this last sings so loudly that I do not know where to put myself.
[Two lines cancelled]
It is stupid — when I ought to be pretty, I am not; and when there is no one, as the other evening...
Well — let us be as we are; what else can one do!
There is no way to have five consecutive minutes of conversation with Audiffret — he is always jumping up.
I have changed my opinion and find him better close-up than at a distance. Collignon said: "He improves enormously at close range. One can examine all his features — he has a ravishing mouth, superb eyes, a long nose but well-made and handsome, an admirable complexion; and then at a distance he has a common look, and close-up... close-up he does not look common at all." I repeat her words not because Collignon is an authority, but because I am entirely of her opinion and it suits me better to repeat what she said than to speak for myself.
But if I acknowledge him to be so handsome, I ought to be in love with him... as well... Well, no, not at all — and that astonishes me. Not at all — and I repeat once more that it astonishes me greatly.
[Written across the page: I have always thought like that in these sorts of matters.]
We move to the dining room where tea and fruit are served on my Russian silver. Audiffret is next to me at table. After the tea we scatter a little.
I am not in love with Girofla because he is not at all Hamilton. Nevertheless, while he is leaning against the mantelpiece, I cannot help admiring his brilliant young face — so fresh and vivid in colouring.
You see — I acknowledge all this, and yet... It is that he lacks that certain je ne sais quoi.
I do not like seeing him so friendly with Galula, who is a very ordinary fellow. A notary's clerk — fie!
I tolerated him as long as I needed him — but since I have come to know Audiffer...
What I say is ugly — but, alas! true.
On leaving, Audiffer pressed my hand firmly again — I think it is simply his way.
I dare not say what comes to mind — bah! before myself it does not matter. Let us go ahead!
Well — on touching his hand I receive the same kind of electric shock I used to feel on touching the dreadful Pole's. I have touched many men's hands and only two have this effect on me; and since Merjeewsky loved me, I supposed I might conclude that Girofla...
With what caution I say this, good God! It is that one looks so ridiculous when one is mistaken in such matters.

Notes

From Sallust, Bellum Catilinae, opening: "All men who wish to excel other animals should strive with all their might not to pass their life in silence like cattle [pecora], which nature has made grovelling and obedient to the belly." Marie writes secôra for pecora — a transcription error from memory. In Latin in the original. ↩