Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 25 May 1875

I boil, I burn, I melt!
For it is the grand affair of the Château de Castellardo — just as in Madame l'Archiduc.
But let us not forget to say first what I did at the baths.
I go there with my aides-de-camp; Walitsky and Yourkoff follow us.
Girofla saw us arrive, and the moment we sat down his second, Saëtone, comes over to us — and then he himself, with the air of saying: oh! oh! there you are.
The moment he approaches I say: Come, let us go, Marie, Olga — and we leave.
You've been well caught, handsome man of Nice. You didn't expect that! He follows us out.
Well done, my dear girl — you have character.
[Two lines crossed out: I dress for the theater]
I was so moved (at the baths) by Lucie's kindness in coming to take me by the hand and speak with me. I am so alone, so forsaken, that the slightest show of courtesy touches me.
For the theater I dress — a white Worth gown. My seconds are also in white, my aunt too, and Pâris too.
I wished to dress differently, but I thought that despite the sameness of colour I shall always be different from the others — always myself.
At Ravel's entrance on stage I throw him a bouquet, and he gives me two of his monkey smiles — he is charming.
Galula is with Audiffer.
Last Sunday I wanted, for our amusement, to stop him in the street (Galula, that is) to inquire after Desforges, the notary in whose office he works.
Faithful to my promise of contempt, I do not look down. But the door opens and Marie exclaims: There is Galula!
After the first exchanges:
— How is M. Desforges, I say — is it true he is unwell?
Marie and Olga burst out laughing, and I, having bitten my lips till they bled, do as they do; Galula looks and follows our example; my aunt and Pâris join in. For five minutes Maître Desforges amuses us — I joke and banter with little Alulag.
When we have calmed ourselves, he leans towards my aunt: Madame, I have a favour to ask of you — then, lower — allow me to present to you my friend M. Émile Audiffret. I hear no more. I have something like a corkscrew in my heart, and am filled with joy and ease. An unhoped-for triumph.
[Annotation: 1877. One of the finest moments of my life. 1880. Approved. Not for any intrinsic worth, but it is the greatest volume of joy I have known in my life — I acknowledge that, while also acknowledging it was certainly neither the finest event nor the most brilliant triumph.]
I have often desired many things, and never has what I desired come to pass; never have I experienced a satisfaction so ardent, so pleasant, so fulfilling. I could not believe my ears.
[Annotation: 1877. The greatest pleasure I have had up to now — perhaps because it was the first time. 1880. Approved. In sum it was almost nothing, but I had pleasure from it a hundred thousand times over.]
One can see that I am sincere — that I do not play the dainty, disdainful one. Marie and Olga leap towards me: Go away, go away, I tell them without stirring — for in the Durand box, hidden behind the portly father Saëtone, Audiffer is watching for the effect his friend's words are producing. Danis, from behind the shoulder of the same lightning rod, peers at us through his glass.
At last! It was time — after six months of desperate coquetry. I was already planning a revenge. Good people, hear the end of the story.
I thought I heard Galula say — in the next interval.
How long the play lasted is impossible to say. I am on burning coals and my heart pounds. And why? For a man I do not love even a little. Why?
Because I thought he loved me, and in all the world there is no joy equal to what one feels in knowing or believing oneself loved. Women — true women — will understand me.
The curtain falls. Galula and Girofla stand with their arms around one another — at last they leave. I compose my face, and everything trembles inside me. I wait one minute, two, three, five, ten minutes — at last the bell rings, the curtain rises, and the two men, Almaviva and Figaro, enter.
What does this mean? Do you know what he has done — it is bold, very bold. Oh, how I fall from a height!
Ah, wretch! Ah, traitor! Oh, scoundrel!
I no longer know where I am — I should like to be underground. A fine affront.
Do you see that dog-face, that monkey of a man. It is he who is making sport of me!
A thousand thunders! We are all like wet rags.
The last play seems to me detestable; I laugh nonetheless and put on as good a face as possible.
The miserable fellow cannot keep still — now he throws his arm around his Figaro's neck, then changes his seat, shifts again; he has the air of being on pins and needles and leaves before the end.
Galula attends our departure; fortunately I say good evening to him politely — I wanted to strangle him.
I say fortunately, because they are not as wretched as I thought — as we shall see.
And I see the dreadful Audiffret seated [below] at the Maison Dorée. The horror!
I could not recover from my surprise all the way home. But — oh, happiness! Marvel at God!
I was in a dreadful state and did not know how to calm myself; I repeat to my aunt Galula's words —
— But, she says — he did not say "in the next interval" —
— What do you mean, he did not say it!
— No, he did not say it — what he said was: Madame, allow me to present to you one of my friends, M. Émile Audiffret — and then he lowered his voice — he has been tormenting me for a long time, but I needed to ask whether you wished it.
Those are my aunt's words — but are they also Galula's?
Why must my aunt be a person unworthy of trust?
She has the respectable habit of distorting every word and every fact. Especially this time, I want so much to believe her, and with some effort I manage it — not entirely, however.
I throw myself into bed to shorten the time — I have not the patience to wait till tomorrow to recount it, to reflect on it.
Either he is a vile poseur — or he is a coarse, ill-bred oaf!

Notes

The original text includes a superscript note (^1^) referring to Marie's annotations below. ↩