Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Sunday, 4 October 1874

Dimanche, 4 octobre 1874

I slept until noon after my agitation of last night; truly I am a strange creature.
Mme Daniloff lunches with us with her little girl. She is an excellent woman.
We were in the garden and Makaroff was still reading the letter in which Ogarev tells him he bit Turgenev's ear in a surge of anger, despite being very ill.
The poor man is very distressed by the stain brought upon all liberals by the foremost among them, for, he says, they will be regarded as savages, and so forth.
At that moment Mme Sapogenikoff and Monsieur Yourkoff arrive. The latter has been here for some time and had been at our house several times since Maman's arrival, but Madame comes for the first time; consequently they are given a tour of the houses. I do not know whether I have spoken of the immense loss suffered by the Sapogenikoff firm through the treachery1 of Monsieur Sapogenikoff's sister. Now they say they are doing better.
I am pale; I went to bed at two o'clock yesterday. I am sad, and Maman and my aunt overwhelm me with affection. Our visitors spend the whole day with us until the eight o'clock train that carries them to Monaco, where they live, just as we used to spend our days at their house in Geneva. It is one of my greatest pleasures and greatest satisfactions to have people to dinner, in an intimate setting above all; and I am quite happy when people eat and enjoy themselves in our house. I especially like to offer hospitality to those who need it, like Monsieur Zibine, who is in very poor finances at present — yesterday he dined with us. It is above all towards those to whom one does a kindness that one must be delicate in the highest degree and attentive; one must make them forget their situation and treat them as if it were they who were doing you the favour.

Je suis pâle, je me suis couchée à deux heures hier. Je suis triste et maman et ma tante me comblent de caresses. Nos visiteurs passent chez nous toute la journée jusqu'au train de huit heures qui les emmène à Monaco où ils demeurent, comme nous passions nos journées chez eux à Genève. C'est un de mes plus grands plaisirs et une de mes plus grandes satisfactions que de recevoir du monde à dîner, dans l'intimité surtout; et je suis tout à fait heureuse lorsqu'on mange et se plaît dans notre maison. J'aime surtout donner l'hospitalité à ceux qui en ont besoin comme M. Zibine qui est très mal en finances en ce moment, hier il a dîné chez nous. C'est surtout envers les personnes qu'on oblige qu'il faut être délicat au suprême degré et prévenant; il faut leur faire oublier leur position et les traiter comme si c'était eux qui vous obligeaient.

But rarely should one expect gratitude; many [Crossed out: foolish obliged] people do not forgive a kindness. I do not understand this: if you are proud and obliged to accept a favour, try with all your might to repay what you owe, but do not hate your [Crossed out: benefac] benefactor. If you repay kindness with malice, you are not proud — you are a coward!

Mais rarement il faut attendre de la reconnaissance, beaucoup de [Rayé: sots obligés] gens ne pardonnent pas les bienfaits. Je ne comprends pas cela si tu es fier et obligé de recevoir un bienfait, tâche de toutes les forces de rendre ce que tu dois, mais ne déteste pas ton [Rayé: bienfai] obligateur, si tu lui rends méchanceté pour bonté tu n'es pas fier mais tu es lâche !

Maman and everyone leave for Monaco with Mme Sapogenikoff and Yourkoff. I burn some sugar and listen to Makaroff's speeches about the letter. [Crossed out: ab] It grieves him greatly and he cannot understand how a man like Ogarev could have committed an act of such gross violence! Mme Sapogenikoff and Yourkoff know all about his correspondence with Ogarev and it greatly amuses them. I should think so — he takes everything seriously and tells us all about it. In a little while he will receive from London a song or invocation from Bakunin, that celebrated Russian Red.

Maman et tous partent pour Monaco avec Mme Sapogenikoff et Yourkoff. Je me brûle du sucre et écoute les discours de Makaroff sur cette lettre, [Rayé: sur] cela le chagrine beaucoup et il ne comprend pas comment un homme comme Ogareff a pu se porter à un acte d'aussi grossière violence ! Mme Sapogenikoff et Yourkoff savent toute sa correspondance avec Ogareff et cela les amuse beaucoup. Je crois bien, il prend tout au sérieux et nous raconte cela. Dans quelque temps il recevra de Londres une chanson ou invocation de Bakounine, ce célèbre rouge russe.

Tomorrow I shall organise my room until the furniture arrives, and I shall set up my study somewhere and look for my tutors. For since my arrival I feel remorse at having done nothing for so long, and I shall not be easy until I have re-established the course of my interrupted studies.

Demain j'organiserai ma chambre jusqu'à ce que viendront les meubles, et j'installerai mon étude quelque part et je chercherai mes professeurs. Car depuis mon arrivée je sens des remords pour n'avoir rien fait tant de temps et je ne serai pas tranquille jusqu'à ce que je ne rétablirai le cours de mes occupations interrompues.

I have not spoken of my dogs — of the divine Prater and the good Bagatelle. They recognised me and follow me everywhere; I was so happy to see them again, especially Prater, my good, old, faithful, beautiful, intelligent, and incomparable dog. I protect and caress Bagatelle because no one caresses her; she must have been very unhappy during my absence, poor dear!

Je n'ai pas parlé de mes chiens, du divin Prater et de la bonne Bagatelle, ils me reconnurent et me suivent partout, j'étais si heureuse de les revoir, surtout Prater mon bon, vieux, fidèle, beau, intelligent et incomparable chien. Je protège et caresse Bagatelle parce que personne ne la caresses, elle devait être bien malheureuse pendant mon absence, pauvre chère !

I am all at sixes and sevens, and I pray God to help me and to grant that I may settle myself, that my life may become regular, that all my things may be put in place, and above all that my studies may be established.

Je suis toute en l'air et je prie Dieu de m'aider et de permettre que je m'arrange et que ma vie devienne régulière et que toutes mes choses soient placées et surtout mes études installées.

Notes

In English in the original. ↩