Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 18 April 1874

Samedi, 18 avril 1874

28 is quite simply M. Zaitchenko; Palajka is a chambermaid in their house, and they are merchants, or something of the sort. Maman says: I thought at least he was a prince. I too thought he was somebody, but since he is nobody, he is no longer 28 but simply Zaitchenko.

28 est tout simplement *M. Zaïtchenko, Palajka* est femme de chambre chez eux, et ce sont des marchands ou à peu près. Maman dit : *J'ai pensé qu'au moins c'était un prince*. Moi aussi, j'ai pensé que c'était quelque chose mais puisque ce n'est rien il n'est plus 28 mais simplement Zaïtchenko.

They brought me my dress, which fortunately is wearable (light dress, straw hat, good); the whole effect is good -- original above all, and very simple. We go to the district that these good Nicois have built around the public garden, to hear all these bands of music from Menton, Cannes, etc., etc. It was nice but only a few people. Lees from the London House were brought to the carriage. Mrs Azarevitch and W. came and remained by us. Poor Azarevitch -- he blushes when one speaks of Kechko, that horribly beautiful girl with such a detestable name. I was almost gay. Only I do not know why Maman held her face constantly turned towards the garden, so that several times Azarevitch spoke in vain; I could tell it to her, and I was not at ease.1

On m'a apporté ma robe qui heureusement est mettable (robe claire, chapeau de paille, bien), le tout fait bien, original surtout et très simple. Nous allons dans le ★faubourg* que ces bons Niçois ont fait autour du jardin public entendre toutes ces bands of music from Menton, Cannes etc. etc. It was nice but only a few people. Lees from the London House were brought to the carriage. Mrs Azarevitch and W. came and remained by us. Poor Azarevitch he blushes when one speaks of Kechko, that horribly beautiful girl with such a detestable name. I was almost gay. Only I do not know why maman held her face constantly turned towards the garden, so that several times Azarevitch spoke in vain; I could tell it to her, and I was not at ease.

I regained all I have lost, about 220 francs, and gained 50 francs. I dare say Mr Soucap is no more.1

I regained all I have lost, about 220 francs, and gained 50 francs. I dare say Mr Soucap is no more.

I thought of going to the theater -- it is our letter today -- but I remained at home. What is the use of showing myself to the clerk & Co., and besides I found it much more attractive to remain and think of him. There is a likeness between him and Mary Stuart; it is why I read her history in Sainte-Beuve. I went late to bed, because Dina came and talked... Several times she made me remain too late; it must be prevented.1

I thought of going to the theater it is our *letter* to-day, but I remained at home. What is the use of showing myself to the *clerk* & C° and besides I found it much more attractive to remain and think of him. There is a likeness between him and Mary Stuart, it is why I read her history in Sainte-Beuve. I went late to bed, because Dina came and talked... Several times she made me remain too late; it must be prevented.

[Written sideways: by clerk I mean Fiouloulou.]

[En travers: par *clerk* je veux dire Fiouloulou.J

I have said that I shall take the first who presents himself possessing a fine name, a fine position, and a fine fortune. And this is true! No one pleases me but "my Duke"; the others are all the same, excepting, certainly, some irresistible antipathy. No one pleases me but the Duke; I could pass hours, whole days, thinking of him without tiring, but on the contrary, the more I think of him, the more I wish to think of him, and the more I feel joy from it -- a very great benefit. I have never (been able to) think of him as of many others, in my compositions; I have only to see him -- but I cannot. Because [sic] he speaks to me even in my imagination. And if I see him, I see him so far away, so vaguely, and I am always so moved and astonished that I lose my breath, and involuntarily I shake my head to chase away that beautiful dream that I desire so much when it does not come, but when it comes I cannot bear it; I am lost and against myself, as if an invincible force were guiding me -- I know it; I draw away from him and remain for some moments [sic] without any thought. This is curious; I do not know if it happens thus to others. These are moments when I think of nothing -- principally after him.2

Io ho detto che prenderò il primo che si presenterà possendendo un bel nome, una bella posizione e una bella fortuna. E questo é vero ! Non mi piace che il "Duca mio", gli altri sono uguali, eccettuati certamente, qualche antipatia irresistibile. Non mi piace che il Duca, potrei passare ore, giornate a pensare a *lui* senza stancarmi, ma al contrario più ci penso più voglio pensarci e più ne provo della gioia, un giovamento grandissimo. Non ho mai (potuto) pensare come a molti altri, nelle mie composizioni; non ho che vederlo ma non posso. Perchi mi parla anche nell n'immaginazione. E se lo vedo, lo vedo cosi lontano, cosi vagamente, e sono sempre cosi commossa e meravigliata che mi manca il fiato, e involontariamente scuoto la testa per cacciare quel bel sogno che desidero tanto quando non viene, ma quando viene non passo sopportarlo, sono smarrita e contro me stessa, come se una forza invincible mi guidasse, lo so, m'allontano da lui e rimango qualità immeti [sicj senza alcun pensiero; questo é curioso non so se arriva cosi agli altri. Sono momenti in cui non penso a nulla principalmente dopo lui

Notes

In English in the original. ↩
In Italian in the original (with numerous errors in Marie's Italian). Translation follows her intended meaning rather than her sometimes garbled syntax. ↩