Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Wednesday, 30 January 1884

Almost nothing done — tried on dresses...

# Mercredi 30 janvier 1884

Claire and Villevieille.

Claire et Villevieille.

The priest, the princess, and Gaillard to dinner. Gaillard and I discuss serious matters... The others listen; the priest occasionally joins the conversation... politics, Tonkin1 and Ferry; political questions with psychological dimensions... I do not know whether it is that Gaillard is stupid, but I seem to myself to have been very witty, producing long sentences with unexpected conclusions, in a very calm voice. The Radical husband of the Comtesse de Quincey takes me very seriously. It seems to astonish me that anyone should take me seriously... Insolent creature!

Le pope, la princesse et Gaillard à dîner. Gaillard et moi parlons de choses sérieuses... Les autres écoutent, le pope se mêle parfois à la conversation... politique, Tonkin et Ferry; politique à recherches psychologiques... Je ne sais si c'est que Gaillard est bête mais il m'a semblé que j'ai été très spirituelle faisant de longues phrases à dénouements imprévus, d'une voix très calme. Il me prend très au sérieux le radical époux de la comtesse de Quincey. Ça a l'air de m'étonner qu'on me prenne au sérieux... Insolente !

Thursday, 31 January 1884 Finished Jacques! And since his brother came to collect him — a baby of three years old — I make a sketch of him.

Jeudi 31 janvier 1 884

Oh! in twenty minutes, as befits a superior genius. Afterwards...

Oh ! en vingt minutes comme il convient à un génie supérieur. Ensuite...

Bastien was born in November 1848. He is thirty-five.

Bastien est né en novembre 1848. Il a trente-cinq ans.

He was already a painter in 1870 and could consequently have fled to England like the gentle Tony.2

Il était déjà peintre en 1870 et par conséquent pouvait filer en Angleterre comme le doux Tony.

But he served in the campaign, and his brother too, though barely fifteen or sixteen years old.

Mais il a fait la campagne et son frère aussi quoique âgé de quinze ou seize ans à peine.

But the brother has less merit — he was following an example. He is an... interesting man, Bastien... I think of him constantly, and the crystallisations3 form admirably.

Mais le frère n'a pas tant de mérite, il suivait un exemple. C'est un homme... intéressant Bastien... J'y pense toujours et les cristallisations se forment admirablement.

Then dropped by Albert Wolff.4

Alors lâché par Albert Wolff.

He hid behind the name Adolphe...

Il se cacha sous l'nom d'Adolphe...

It is very fine to have fought — he must truly have a noble character... His brother says: if you knew him, if you knew what a heart he has — says he is extremely sensitive to the miseries and injustices of Paris, and stays in the country so as not to be overwhelmed by them.

C'est très bien de s'être battu, ce doit vraiment être un beau caractère... Son frère dit: si vous le connaissiez, si vous saviez quel cœur il a aussi, dit qu'il est extrêmement sensible aux misères et aux injustices de Paris et il reste à la campagne pour ne pas en être assommé.

And then — that was the last straw — He was dropped by la Mackay...

Enfin et ce fut là l'bouquet

At Montmartre...

à Montmartre...

And as I exclaimed: — What a lucky creature! — He, the architect answered me, is the most unhappy fellow there is...

Et comme je m'écriais:

I did not ask why... but! Brave, sincere, illustrious.

Je n'ai pas demandé pourquoi... mais ! Brave, sincère, illustre.

When dropped by la Mackay He'd take himself off to the publican's To stand himself rounds of green absinthe At Montmartre — But apart from his never thinking of me, we could never love each other virtuously — there are insurmountable obstacles... When he died like an old rat —

Alors que lâché par la Makay

I shall marry Saint-Amand well enough.

J'épouserai bien Saint-Amand.

Only his brother wept for him — That is the only possible arrangement in the event that this illustrious, brave, unhappy, and sincere man should deign to ---

Il n'y eut qu'son frère qui le pleura

For Émile is a tender soul...

Car Emile est une âme tendre...

But if he were to deign to notice the author — the rival of Victor Hugo — he would be accused of wanting to feather his nest... I am rich... And I do not want the slightest shadow cast upon divine and celestial feelings... etc.

Mais s'il daignait faire attention à l'auteur, à la rivale de Victor Hugo, il serait accusé de vouloir arranger sa vie... Je suis riche... Et je ne veux pas la plus légère ombre sur les sentiments divins et célestes... etc.

If he were to say to himself merely this: I adore her — and besides, she has a fortune, which is no bad thing. That alone would be horrible for me. And so I shall never marry for love... There is only Saint-Amand.

S'il se disait seulement ceci: je l'adore et puis elle a de la fortune ce qui ne gâte rien. Ce serait déjà horrible pour moi. Aussi jamais je ne me marierais par amour... Il n'y a que Saint-Amand.

Rue Legendre!5 Because I dream of love — and not of living together always. However superior and angelic one may be, that must domesticate one's heart... And so when two guilty ones find extreme happiness in spending a fortnight together, it is like the pleasure of going in a hired cab when one is accustomed to a private carriage — but always, no.

Rue Legendre !

I see it so clearly... I have lived it, so to speak... And it must be true.

Je vois ça si nettement... Je l'ai vécu pour ainsi dire... Et ça doit être vrai.

Note that I have no pretension to speak generally or to propose rules of conduct — I speak for myself; and if what I want lies outside the common rules, so much the worse: it suits me, serves my purpose, and I am perfectly free to dream of a particular happiness... We would never bore each other with ordinary things, and we would see each other only to exchange what is finest, most elegant, most tender, and most witty in human nature.

Remarquez que je ne prétends point parler en général et proposer des règles de conduite, je parle pour moi, et si ce que je veux est en dehors des règles communes, tant pis; ça me convient, m'arrange et je suis bien libre de rêver un bonheur particulier--- Nous ne nous ennuierions jamais de choses ordinaires et nous ne nous verrions que pour échanger ce qu'il y a dans la nature humaine de meilleur, de plus élégant, de plus tendre et de plus spirituel.

It would be like hours of rest in a poor workman's day... In any case these are possible things... And what would be needed for it to be real? That I be loved. That is all.

Ce serait comme des heures de repos dans la journée d'un pauvre ouvrier... Enfin ce sont des choses possibles... Et que faudrait-il pour que ce fut vrai ? Que je sois aimée. Voilà tout.

We both have enormous talents and stand apart from the common run of humanity... It could be a beautiful existence... for two... But...

Nous avons tous les deux des talents énormes et sommes en dehors de l'humanité terre à terre... Ce pourrait être une belle existence... pour deux... Mais...

Since he had paid in flowers The paint-merchant refused him his colours.

D'puis qu'il l'avait payé en fleurs

One sees guilty lovers who are happy for twenty-five years... I would deceive no one.

On voit des coupables qui sont heureux pendant vingt-cinq ans... Je ne tromperais personne.

Provided I do not die between twenty-eight and thirty. I tell you it goes badly.

Pourvu que je ne meurs pas entre vingt-huit et trente ans. Je vous dis que ça va mal.

He would have committed murders.

Il en aurait commis des meurtres.

I love him then? At Montmartre

Je l'aime donc ?

Notes

Tonkin: the French colonial campaign in northern Vietnam, then a highly contentious political issue. Jules Ferry (1832–1893), Prime Minister 1880–1881 and 1883–1885, was the chief architect of French colonial expansion. ↩
Tony Robert-Fleury (1837–1912): French academic painter who left France during the Franco-Prussian War (1870–71). ↩
Crystallisation: Stendhal's term in De l'Amour (1822) for the process by which the imagination clothes a beloved with imagined perfections, like a branch coated in crystals when left in a salt mine. ↩
Albert Wolff (1835–1891): powerful art critic for Le Figaro, known for championing or destroying careers with his reviews. ↩
The street in Paris's 17th arrondissement where Bastien-Lepage had his studio. ↩