Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Sunday, 12 March 1882

I come in for lunch and find Étienne and my aunt in tears. Georges is dead.

Je rentre dejeuner et trouve Etienne et ma tante en larmes. Geroges est mort.

This was what was almost wished for by everyone he had martyrised — making himself so unhappy — yet the effect is no less horrible for that.

Voila qui etait presque desire par tous ceux qu'il a martyrises en se rendant lui-meme si malheureux mais l'effet n'en est pas moins horrible.

Maman and my aunt were crying out about martyrdom and accusing themselves [Blacked out: almost of his death], forgetting that he had made life so painful for us all. For that matter I myself was so shaken by this miserable death in an attic under a false name that all the things said in moments of exasperation came back to me like crimes.

Maman et ma tante criaient au martyre et s'accusaient [Mots noircis: presque de sa mort] oubliant qu'il nous avait rendu a tous la vie si penible. Du reste moi-meme je suis restee tellement troublee de cette mort miserable dans une mansarde et sous un faux nom que toutes les choses dites dans des moments d'exasperation me sont revenues a l'esprit comme des crimes.

For an hour I almost reproached myself for what I had done to prevent him from staying openly with us with a street woman... You know all that I know — and now Rosalie has just confessed to me that I know only a hundredth part of what these ladies suffered, so carefully was it hidden from me. You remember how loudly I used to insist that he should not come back and that we should have nothing more to do with his sordid affairs... Yet despite all that Maman always went to retrieve him from the most dreadful places. But everything is effaced before death...

Pendant une heure je me suis presque reprochee ce que je faisais pour qu'il ne reste pas ouvertement chez nous avec une fille de la rue... Vous savez tout ce que je sais et bien Rosalie vient de me confesser que je ne connais que la centieme partie de ce que ces dames ont souffert, tellement on se cachait de moi; vous vous rappelez que je criais tres fort pour qu'il ne vienne plus et pour qu'on ne se mele plus de ses sales affaires... Mais malgre cela maman est toujours aller le delivrer dans les endroits les plus affreux. Mais tout s'efface devant la mort...

Ah, what a horrible thing it is to reproach oneself for any harshness toward a dead person!... I must recall everything he put us through to excuse myself for not having, like Maman, protected his infamies... And yet I come to telling myself that he was only mad, ill, but kind, loving, and unhappy... I see him under the carriage gate... It seems he wept when told I was very ill... And so unhappy all his life, having everything needed to be one of the fortunate of this world. He wrecked his life over trifles, dragged the whole family through the mud; receiving a large fortune from his father and letting himself be robbed and plundered for fear of returning to Russia, for fear of facing the criminal court — having never committed anything worse than minor disgraces, yet always hiding like a criminal... One must hope something will come back to Dina; he cannot have consumed everything, far from it — though we receive desperate appeals for money every day and kept sending it to him. Despite all this Maman cries that he died of hunger perhaps — the family's tendency toward exaggeration — [Crossed out: Oh how sad all this is]. But poor Dina... You know that Georges married a widow older than himself, and that Étienne married the daughter of this widow, which is not permitted in Russia; there was a long lawsuit, and as Étienne was the more active party, it was Georges's marriage — prior to Étienne's by ten years — that was annulled. Such are the things that can happen in Russia.

Ah ! quelle horrible chose que de se reprocher quelque durete envers un etre mort !...

There were three children: Dina, Lola, and a brother aged sixteen — a brilliant pupil promising to reach the highest destinies — when he learned he had no legal name. [Blacked out: Nameless in] Russia is quite another and more dreadful thing than here. He killed himself.

Il y avait trois enfants, Dina, Lola et le frere age de seize ans, brillant ecolier et promettant d'arriver aux plus hautes destinees lorsqu'il a appris qu'il n'avait pas de nom [Mots noircis: sans nom en] Russie est bien autrement affreux qu'ici, il s'est tue.

You remember that dreadful thing, seven years ago.

Vous vous rappelez cette affreuse chose il y a sept ans.

So the marriage being void, the children do not inherit unless the brothers renounce in their favour — but dear Alexandre is there... Ah, how sad all this is. And I, who still complain, when beside me poor Dina is so unhappy — to say nothing of the fortune itself.

Donc le mariage etant nul, les enfants n'heritent pas a moins que les freres se desistent en leur faveur mais ce cher Alexandre est la... Ah ! que c'est triste. Et moi qui me plains encore quant a cote de moi cette pauvre Dina est si malheureuse sans parler de la fortune meme.