Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Tuesday, 11 October 1881

I dreamed that someone was explaining to me what I have in my right lung — in certain parts the air does not penetrate… which causes things to rise… but it is too disgusting to relate. It suffices that I am affected. Ah! I know it, for for some time now I feel a

# Mardi 11 octobre 1881

sort of malaise, a slight, indefinable weakness… but I am no longer as I was before — I do not feel like other people; a kind of weakening vapor envelops me — I speak figuratively, of course. It seems as though I have something foreign to me in my chest, and I have… but what is the use of these absurdities — [blacked out: we shall see]. Instead of writing pretty things about Spain, I… it is pitiable. Besides, I have so far only seen Madrid, which is merely a capital and lacks character, etc. etc. This evening we go to the opera, but in a box on the stage — add to that Guillaume Tell1 and bad singers. Of the public I say nothing, since I saw nothing. Young Pollack accompanied us, and old Pollack came to call — he knows the director and all the artists; he spoke to them, and when Pandolini2 approached I told him I had heard him in Paris, where he sang admirably at the Italiens. He really did sing well, and besides he is a superb creature — a Titian, with the easy bearing of the portrait of François I and a head in the manner of a modern Don Carlos. I truly think the little artist is in love with me — I tell you this for no reason in particular… Perhaps I am wrong but I don't think so… In any case he goes out of his way to be agreeable to us.

espece de malaise, de legere faiblesse indefinissable... mais je ne suis plus comme avant, je ne me sens pas comme les autres; une sorte de vapeur affaiblissante m'enveloppe, je parle au figure bien entendu. Il semble que j'ai quelque chose d'etranger a moi dans la poitrine, et j'ai... mais a quoi bon ces absurdites, [Mots noircis: on verra bien]. Au lieu d'ecrire de jolies choses sur l'Espagne je... ca fait pitie. Mais du reste je n'ai encore vu que Madrid qui n'est qu'une capitale, et n'a pas le caractere etc. etc. Ce soir nous allons a l'opera mais dans une loge sur la scene, joignez a cela "Guillaume Tell" et de mauvais chanteurs. Du public, je ne dis rien puisque je n'ai rien vu. Pollack fils nous accompagnait, et Pollak pere est venu nous voir, il connait le directeur et tous les artistes, il leur a parle et quand Pandolini s'est approche je lui ai dit l'avoir entendu a Paris ou il a admirablement chante aux Italiens. C'est vrai qu'il a bien chante et puis c'est un etre superbe, un Titien, la desinvolture du portrait de Francois 1er et une tete a la Don Carlos moderne. Je crois vraiment que le petit artiste est amoureux de moi, je vous dis ca a propos de bottes... Je me trompe peut-etre mais je crois pas... Dans tous les cas il se met en quatre pour nous etre agreable.

Notes

Guillaume Tell: Rossini's grand opera William Tell (1829), demanding and rarely performed well; Marie is not impressed by this production. ↩
Pandolini: Agostino Pandolini (1836–1916), Italian baritone, prominent at the Opéra-Comique and other European houses in the 1870s–80s. ↩