Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 1 May 1880

I have just suffered one of those formidable, stupid, and pointless fiascos! Tomorrow is Easter; this evening — or rather tonight — we go to the great Mass where the whole Russian colony gathers, beginning with the embassy at full strength.
All the elegances, all the beauties, all the vanities on parade. The great review of Russian women and gowns — the great subject of gossip.
Well, my new dress is brought to me at the last moment, and it looks exactly like a clumsy bundle of old, dirty gauze. I go despite this, but what it cost me in rage no one will ever know! Waist lost in a badly made, crooked bodice; arms crippled by sleeves too wide and stupid. In a word, a pretentious ensemble, and on top of everything, this gauze which I had only seen by daylight — in the evening it looks completely dirty!
What effort it took not to tear everything to pieces and flee the church! Soutzo was there. Society matches us together, and it seemed to me he made a point of standing near us; at supper he came to ask if we needed him for the carriage, etc. — I dismissed him. But that is nothing. In the middle of the Mass, Mme Bernardaki arrived — the great beauty — and I was able to confirm up close that she is truly and perfectly beautiful. But this only increases my rage, thinking that I would have little to fear from such proximity, despite my very mediocre face, if I had been properly dressed. For my figure, and especially the way I show it off, allows me to compete with the greatest beauties. To look bad for lack of anything better is one thing, but to be capable of looking well and to show oneself as a monster, as I did this evening! And naturally, the hair suffers from one's mood — it comes undone and the face burns. It is vile. Holy name of everything most atrocious! And to think that otherwise it was not bad. Mme General Engelhardt, a notable of the Russian colony whose son was presented a fortnight ago, made Maman's acquaintance yesterday at church and was very amiable this evening. We took her home after supper at four in the morning. Maman met Count Kapnist, charge d'affaires in Orloff's absence, at the embassy on business, and this evening they greeted each other and shook hands; seeing which, Alexis rushed toward Maman to wish her a happy feast day. She extended her hand; I bowed with haughtiness. As for Bojidar, I did not bow at all. O wrath, O rage! O stupid fiasco!
This morning I went to the Salon to see Julian's young man, and he promised to do the impossible. I was in black wool, very simple, but with a fresh face and my waist showing, and I was much looked at.
As for yesterday, in my dark green dress, it was a real sensation — people stopped short to look at my waist as they stop before Mme Bernardaki's face.
And this evening! Ah, in the name of... whatever you like!