Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Monday, 29 October 1877

We receive from the commandeur the following note:
Mademoiselle,
[Words blacked out: I shall come with pleasure this evening at six o'clock to your house. The bear is very chic.]
Your most devoted Marcuard.
We have him this evening then, together with the trinity of Mme Doubelt and des Perrières at dinner. In the evening Vasconcellos and Zurlo. I chatted a great deal with des Perrières who tells me I am a baby. I like being called a baby. I have the face of a baby, and not a stupid one either. After dinner the Générale and Walitsky sit down to play cards, and at the former's command Alexandrine takes possession of Marcuard and imposes a game of piquet on him — he found himself fairly well placed in it, I believe.
In short — there I am with Zurlo and Vasconcellos on my hands. They both squint. I did my duty toward their charming faces and spent the whole time taking refuge beside the duelist, who is a good fellow, very thin.
It was at supper, when the ladies had departed, that I had a great explanation with the Swiss... by the way, I had presented the Baroness to him as the young harpist. So, playing the baby as best I could, I sat down with Marcuard very close to my chair, myself leaning against the chair-back that separated us. During supper, through various hints and jokes about Sorrento, knowing airs and allusions I did not fully understand, Marcuard expressed his desire to speak at length on this grave question.
— I shall question you on that, I told him laughing.
And indeed I questioned him and he questioned me. I do not yet know why he had such a great desire that I should rehabilitate myself.
I began with Sorrento — he knew as much about it as I did, but with embellishments fabricated by Melissano, embellishments which I suppressed, and I told almost the entire truth, suppressing also my tender feelings and mocking what had caused me so much pain. And then I said: — "Was it not shameful, was it not a disgrace! I did not understand! No, you cannot comprehend it! But I — barely out of the egg, from the maternal nest... in short... I had no conception whatsoever. But one did not understand it, naturally. I acted understanding nothing, and they could say that I had walked of an evening in a garden..."
— You are weeping over it? he asked, half laughing.
— I have wept over it, I answered, serious.
— Oh! really.
— Yes! because I had no idea of anything. You know it is only now that I have understood so many things!...
I told him my suppositions as to what people would suppose.
— Your Alexandre is a wretch! — I said, and as this was a great deal, I told him everything in response to what he told me, almost everything, all to my advantage, but with such naivety, such truth, that I could not write out this masterly and truly skilful defence. At times I hesitated to lie — I detest lying — and my hesitations looked like hesitations of quite a different nature. He may understand what I had invented on account of Rosalie. He was satisfied by it.
He was anxious, my suppositions were correct — but he assures me that with Larderei it was of no consequence. I took care to prepare him for everything. For Cancello, for Monaco, for the masked ball, for our scene, for the letters, and for my last reply concerning the spelling — for everything, but so well that I emerge from it white and pure as an angel... I am astonished at myself and regret being unable to write it all out. It is very curious.
He wanted very, very much to know all of it thoroughly — I had the air of confessing by degrees, while in reality I proceeded with caution, for he might have taken it badly. He told me everything about Florence where it was said that he was my fiancé.
— You know, his mother and sister and everyone were constantly asking me about you, and whether I thought it would be a fine match for Alexandre... the Countess wanted it so much, you know. The young girl is charming and all that. Then at the skating rink too, and everywhere. You remember how they looked at you...
— Oh! yes, I too was looking at [word blacked out: them greatly] — Madame de Mirafiore [words blacked out: is so adorable].
— The other evening they were there for that very purpose and [word blacked out: one] was always asking me whether [words blacked out: the Family] was respectable and whether it could come to something... I replied that that was not the question, but that first of all one must know whether the young lady would consent. Then they tormented me to know what you would say, and I always said... was I wrong?
— What?!
— That I did not think so. Was I wrong?
— Oh! no, no — you were quite right to say so.
— I was right??
— Oh! yes, I do believe so.
— So I was not mistaken?
— Why no, not at all. I am very glad you said it. It was, it is the truth.
— That is what I always thought. Because... it could not be — I told myself that Mademoiselle Bashkirtseff laughs at it, that it is an extravagance on her part?...
— Yes... yes no doubt.
— For a moment I was even quite anxious... it was when he went to Nice. They had spread rumours that you were engaged in Naples; they said so in Florence, but I knew what to make of it... But when he went to Nice I thought it was a concluded affair, and then remembering what I had said to you about it... In everything I said I was sincere — but still, it was doing harm. I was afraid you would take me for a jealous man, a mischief-maker... just as the Countess to whom I had always said... No and no.
— Are you reassured now?
— [Word blacked out: Yes]
I had changed nothing in the story except this: Alexandre had spoken to me vaguely of... that if one day... in short.
— That if??
— Oh! it is difficult to say.
— Come now.
— I cannot!
— That if one day he were to lay himself at your feet?... Is that it?
— No! yes! I do not know — I have forgotten.
— Then that is it — and you put him in his place?
— I believe so — that is to say.
And the rest in that vein.
— People said you were in love with him.
— Really.
— You had given occasion to believe it.
— Oh! how so?
— But... at Sorrento, in the evening — Melissano who was there.
— Oh! you are right, oh! it is true! I was so... stupid then. Had I any notion of promenades with gentlemen, of excursions, of picnics! Would you believe it, Monsieur — there were things I let pass and understood only here in Paris. I was a child, or a fool — I no longer know...
— And it was in the garden that you put him in his place?
— Why — what for?
— He had told you that... in short, I adore you, I love you... etc., and then you, with a very cold air, would have said to him: Well, Monsieur, if you adore me, you know what you must do and to whom you must apply.
— And he?
— And he would have been dumbfounded...
— No, it is not true — that never happened.
— And that is all??
— Why yes, Monsieur.
— You are not being sincere.
— Oh! you are the one to say so!
— You are not telling everything...
— What then — come, Monsieur, do not torment me, let us clear all this up and quickly!
— He had dared... to take your hand, to kiss you!...
— And then?...
— To kiss your foot — I do not know... in short.
— You saw it?
— No — it was Melissano.
— That is precisely where the harm lies — that is what made me weep like a madwoman when I understood... Listen! I was ill... you know how I was; and besides, I repeat, I did not quite realise. We were walking...
I recount the conversation I had with Alexandre, modifying certain nuances — the Swiss laughs; he laughs at Larderei's vanity.
— And then?...
— And then he kissed my hand — by surprise... oh! look, it is dreadful... it is shameful, it is wrong — I know it! And so I was wretched and furious...
As for the foot — that is a lie and a low one. I was seated on the first marble step and he lower down... and at one moment he made as if to stoop, as though he wished to see the toe of my slipper which was visible... for in truth, Monsieur, I do not believe anyone could dare such a thing...