Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 8 January 1876

Maman still does not have her visiting cards — and so another day lost! I think I shall go off to America: all these princes, dukes, marquises and barons make me shiver. I shall never get there, I tell myself. I would give anything at all to be done with my miserable mode of existence and to live at last according to my own idea!
I have only one chance, one alone: to make a good match. But how? The only means is to please. My face — nothing but my face. And even so I am not beautiful! A non-expert would say I am; an artist would not. It is dreadful to depend so on a man's caprice.
Dina is indisposed; Maman and I go alone to the Pincio. The weather is fine and I have at last been able to dress in white, as in Nice. I am not yet accustomed to Rome, but I feel better than at the start. I did not see the King, nor Frederic — but several elegant persons. I still know no one here: it is sad for one who is used to knowing everyone in her circle by heart.
I have left Nice and in Rome I am scarcely better off.
We are alone everywhere, everywhere, everywhere — not a single tie of kinship, friendship, or even mere acquaintance! I swear to you it is enough to dash one's brains out!
God have mercy on me! At the Pincio I saw a bust — the bust of Pinelli the engraver — and this Pinelli resembles Audiffret in a striking way; only Audiffret has no beard and Pinelli has a sort of small chin tuft. And it gives me pleasure, each time I pass, to study this resemblance to the Surprising One. Look at Pinelli and you will have some idea of the man who has so preoccupied me and still does. Do not forget to add to the engraver's features magnificent eyes and an admirable complexion. I did not take note of the bust's mouth — the Surprising One's is a little pinched.
I spend the evening copying and recopying the monks' letter — always in block capitals, like the one pinned to page 299 of this volume.
When one breaks something, or when objects fall from one's hands, it is a sign that someone is hastening to reach you. Maman does nothing but break glasses and plates, and everything falls from my hands. I did a card reading to find out who was hurrying to arrive and whether the person arriving would be agreeable to me. The cards showed me four aces, i.e. success and fulfilment of my desires. Which means, if one believes these wretched cards, that it is the Surprising One who is coming. For no other arrival can be announced to me by four aces.
As I was saying it cannot be he, that he has no business in Rome, that it would be absurd, Dina says:
— Why not? He will come here with his wife, perhaps.
Every time someone has the stupidity to say such a thing to me I blush. Put yourself in my place and judge for yourself!
Wretched, wretched, wretched existence!
Oh, let it change, let it change — in God's name, let me live like other people, like those who are happy!