Diary of Marie Bashkirtseff
CZENUKFR

Saturday, 9 December 1882

A very intimate dinner — Tony, Julian, Dusautoy, Bojidar, Mlle Villevieille, and Émile Bastien1 back from the country. Oh! I am happy! The real brother2 was charmed by the caricature of Colombières that I sent him, and by my letters; he laughed, he said kind things, and that I have talent.

Diner tres intime, Tony, Julian, Dusautoy, Bojidar, Mlle Villevieille et Emile Bastien qui revient de la campagne. Oh ! je suis contente ! Le vrai frere a ete charme de la caricature a Colembourg que j'ai envoyee et de mes lettres, il a ri, il a dit des choses gentilles et que j'ai du talent.

For that last point — a surge of happiness! For the architect is sincere; he does not lie; he is simple and good, and he said it because it is true — that is to say, because the other one told him so. We parted at two in the morning.

Pour ce dernier il y a un elan de bonheur ! Car l'architecte est sincere, il ne ment pas, il est simple et bon et il a dit ca parce que c'est vrai, c'est-a-dire parce que l'autre l'a dit. On s'est separe a deux heures du matin.

Modeste Mignon3 (you know it well) — well, [words blacked out: there are] striking things in it. This young girl who lives entirely by imagination, who contrives a double life for herself, and is continually the heroine of a quantity of novels and dramas of her own invention; who manages to experience almost physical sensations; who has worn everything out through imagination...

Modeste Mignon (vous savez bien) eh bien [Mots noircis: il y a] la des choses frappantes. Cette jeune fille qui vit par l'imagination, qui s'arrange une double vie et qui est continuellement l'heroine d'une quantite de romans, de drames inventes par elle; qui arrive a eprouver des sensations presque physiques, qui a use tout par l'imagination...

But it is me — and then she has fashioned for herself an ideal of happiness and love... One would have to quote everything. It is entirely like me; so if anyone could guess what is passing through my head at the theatre, at a ball, even during a conversation, they would be greatly surprised — and so would I... What a misfortune that he is dead, that there is no one like that now. Ah! so I shall never be inspired by someone I could love, deploying all these still-confused feelings that would make the happiness of an extraordinary man. Balzac is the greatest genius... And then re-read the first pages of Honorine — on Paris and on what makes one love Paris — what I have tried so often to say without managing it...

Mais c'est moi, et puis elle s'est fait un ideal de bonheur et d'amour... Il faudrait tout citer. C'est tout a fait comme moi, aussi si on pouvait deviner ce qui se passe dans ma tete au theatre, au bal et meme pendant une conversation, on serait bien surpris et moi-meme... Quel malheur qu'il soit mort, qu'il n'y en ait pas un comme cela a present. Ah ! je ne serai donc jamais inspiree par quelqu'un que je pourrais aimer en deployant tous ces sentiments encore confus et qui feraient le bonheur d'un homme extraordinaire. Balzac est le plus grand genie... Et puis relisez les premieres pages d' "Honorine" sur Paris et sur ce qui fait aimer Paris, ce que j'ai essaye si souvent de dire sans y arriver...

Notes

Émile Bastien: brother of Jules Bastien-Lepage, who worked as an architect in Paris. He is the "architect" who appears throughout the diary — a gentle, straightforward young man of whom Marie is fond but does not take seriously as a suitor. ↩
The "real brother": Marie uses this to distinguish Jules Bastien-Lepage, the celebrated painter, from Émile the architect. The caricature she sent was of Colombières, the Bastien family village in the Meuse. ↩
Modeste Mignon (1844): one of Balzac's novels about a young provincial woman of great intelligence and romantic imagination who constructs an elaborate fantasy life through a secret correspondence with a famous poet. Marie's identification with her is characteristically precise. ↩